... I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

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• Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
• Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
• Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
• Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
• Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
• Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
• Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
• Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
• Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
• Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
• Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
• Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
• Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
• Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
• Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
• Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
• Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
• Law of Dinner Table Attendance - Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
• Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
• Law of Obedience Resistance - A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something
• First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
• Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
• Law of Milk Consumption - A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
• Law of Furniture Replacement - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
• Law of Cat Landing - A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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• Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother in law puts it, 'Finally someone who cares about me. - Bill Maher
• Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.' - Stephen Colbert
• President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no. - Jay Leno
• We found out early that Kelly Ripa, after five years of searching for a new co-host to replace Regis Philbin, has finally found the guy that's going to take his job, the man who's going to fill his shoes – New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan. They were going to announce it at the Republican convention but we found out. Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney's tax returns. - David Letterman
• President Obama met with the White House Press corps for only the second time this year...It was only twenty minutes long. Makes you miss President Bush. He would spend twenty minutes answering the first question. - Jay Leno
• It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why. -  Jimmy Fallon

• Amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes, and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awesome emerged in the night where it spent twelve minutes, on the most important night of Mitt Romney's life, yelling at a chair! - Jon Stewart

• President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish. - Jay Leno

• It's now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican Convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to Democratic Convention, where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama. - Jay Leno

• The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study...will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen. - Jon Stewart
• Welcome to "The Tonight Show" — or as Comcast calls us, "The Expendables." As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized "The Tonight Show." We've consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon. And more bad news. It turns out now we've been taken over by Bain Capital. - Jay Leno
• A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble. - Jimmy Fallon
• In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, 'Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?' - Jimmy Fallon
• President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November. - Jay Leno
• Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal. During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in 'come back in four years and try again.' Jimmy Fallon
• How many of you have the Paul Ryan fever? They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney. - David Letterman
• Paul Ryan, like Mitt Romney, and like President Obama and like Joe Biden, is a good family man. We have four good family men in this presidential race. See, what about me? I don't need family men, I have a monologue. I need more Herman Cains, I need John Edwards. - Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
• The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
• The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
• The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
• The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
• The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
• If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
• Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
• The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
• Two words: Hippo Dogs!

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• Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
•  Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
• My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
• A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
• I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
• Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
• Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
• Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ' 'Is it common, doc?' 'Well, it's not unusual.'
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' What? --- because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
• Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'  'How's that?' 'Oh, don't you start.'
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, so go for it.'
• Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, ‘So are you, you fat bastard!'
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' I thought that was nice.
• A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'.

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British film director Sir Ridley Scott launched a global film-making contest for aspiring directors.
The film could be no longer than three minutes contain only 6 lines of narrative and be a compelling story.

There were over 600 entries. The winner was "Porcelain Unicorn" from American director Keegan Wilcox.

See why it won!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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August 17 Humor Page