He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but also some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. Well, I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11.00 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...

• "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
• "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
• "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
• "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
• "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
• "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
• "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
• "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
• "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
• "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
• "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
• "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
• "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
• "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
• "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
• "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
• "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
• "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

The 2012 Election

• If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
• If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
• If you have more toys than your kids
• If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
• If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
• If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
• If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
• If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
• If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
• If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

A young man was having some money problems...

... and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."