• Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
• Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
• Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
• Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
• Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
• Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
• Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
• John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully).
• An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
• I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
• Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
• I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
• Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

• "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
• "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
• "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
• "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
• "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
• "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
• "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
• "Please knock. My television's broken down and I missed last nights 'Sopranos.' If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."
• "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
• "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
• "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
• "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
• "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table , because we want to play bingo tonight."
• "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
• "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."
• "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

Each camp had drawn a line where their domain and the disputed territory met. They knew not to cross the line without a companion for it would mean certain death.

Both camps would taunt each other. One monkey in particular, would howl at dawn causing the gorillas to respond with ferocious chest beatings. This met with the approval of his friends ... until the monkey began to howl earlier in the morning, late at night and many times in between. The big cats in his camp were getting annoyed and one sleepless lion warned him several times to howl only at dawn.

The monkey continued to howl whenever he chose. The lion became so angry he devoured the monkey.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
• A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
• While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
• You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
• You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

• How many rednecks does it take eat a possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
• How do you know if a redneck is married? There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.
• What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
• What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama? Nice tooth!
• How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."