• If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno
• The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate VII
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
• Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
• I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan
• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson
• There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers

And my favorite:

• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
• You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
• The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
• You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
• Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
• You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
• Your dog sleeps with you.
• You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
• Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
• You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
• You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
• You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
• You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
• You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
• You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
• You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
• You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
• You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
• You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard yelling, "Emily, pee!" over and over again, while Emily tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
• You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
• Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
• Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You Know You're A Cat Person When...

• You do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
• You consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
• You apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
• You snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
• You sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
• You accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
• You spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
• You decorate your Christmas tree with dangling cat toys.
• Your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."
• You have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
• You refer to your cat as your furry child.
• rparents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild."
• You plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
• You accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!

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• I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• England has no Kidney Bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• Velcro: what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
• Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
• Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.
 

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• According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls. - Jay Leno
• Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person. - Craig Ferguson
• Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate. - David Letterman
• Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party. The Green Party. Is that what they call it? - Jimmy Kimmel
• Today Mitt Romney picked up the endorsement of Meat Loaf. When Chris Christie heard that Meat Loaf was behind Romney, he pushed Romney out of the way. - Bill Maher
• You know who is celebrating a birthday? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He'll be 55 years old on Sunday. The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake. - David Letterman
• Donald Trump has been fired from managing the upscale condominium in New York City known as 'Trump Place.' The condominium board fired him. Finally a job loss Obama can be happy about. - Jay Leno
• Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. - Bill Maher
• Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president. - David Letterman
• President Obama is now getting some criticism for calling Mitt Romney a B.S.'er. I don’t think that means 'big spender.' - Jay Leno
• In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're at this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife. - Bill Maher
• Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party. The Green Party. Is that what they call it? - Jimmy Kimmel
• While he was at a diner this week in Ohio, a man told Joe Biden that he's a good guy but a bad vice president. Which gets even worse when you hear that was the only thing President Obama said the entire lunch. - Jimmy Fallon
• The debates are over. All that's left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines. - David Letterman
• Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them Colorado, Florida y Nevada. - Seth Meyers
• Today Joe Walsh, the jerk congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that’s just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there’s dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you. - Bill Maher
• Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, ‘Thank God’. - Conan O'Brien
• Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer’s lair and what do they find? Binders of women… and then they open the freezer and a head falls out. - Bill Maher

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD
 

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The Most Stunning Photos of 2012!

A seahorse inspects a diver's watch

An illuminated snow tunnel in Russia

Mount Rainier casting a shadow on clouds

Gásadalur Village in the Faroe Islands

Bora Bora from space

Adaptive roots in the concrete jungle
 

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Oct 17th Humor Page