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| Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel I was desperately looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Yep, it's the golden years.
Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
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| Zack was painting a tilt-in window when the latch gave way and the glass broke on his head.
His cuts were minor but the bleeding was profuse. The paramedics arrived with screaming sirens and
were followed by two squad cars and an ambulance. After they bandaged the victim's head, it was decided that he should go with them to the
hospital for stitches. As the blood-spattered painter was being led from his house, his wife saw a crowd of onlookers gathered across the street.
Never at a loss for words, the wife called loudly to Zack, "Next time you'll eat what I cook!"
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An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective ...
- The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
- The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
- The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
- USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
- The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
- The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
- The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
- The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
- The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
- The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are
not Republicans.
- The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
- The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something tow rap it in.
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Actual excerpts from classified sections:
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Illiterate? Write today for free help.
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
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Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.
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Stock up and save. Limit: one.
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Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
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Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
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Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
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Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
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Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
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Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
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And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Political Late night
- During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it’s a surprising threat considering that ‘Mitt’ is such an excellent Muppet name. Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this
week’s Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this. - Seth Meyers
- You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around. - David Letterman
- The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change. - Jay Leno
- People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!' - Jimmy Fallon
- The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous. - Jimmy Kimmel
- The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise. - David Letterman
- Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate. - Jay Leno
- Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama. - Jay Leno
- It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood. - Stephen Colbert
- A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, ‘At the next debate, no more angry birds’. - Conan O'Brien
- President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it. - Jay Leno
- Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so the heck with it. (on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate) - Stephen Colbert
- It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s goal for tonight’s debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney. - Conan O'Brien
- Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama’s like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now. - Jay Leno
- While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, ‘Burrito?’ And Romney was like, ‘Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you’ - Jimmy Fallon
- New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers. - Bill Maher
- Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird. - David Letterman
- In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, 'Well, what about just for fun?'- Jimmy Kimmel
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing...
... hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"
"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.
"Well... when he asked for his third cup." she said.
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| The front fell off - Download Video
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD
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Oct 7th Humor Page |
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