Humor Selections for Jan 3rd, 2011

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The elderly Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.  

The family drove wildly to
get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his
scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock.  "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

Submitted by Ken, Emmitsburg, Md.

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What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

  • Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
  • Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
  • Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
  • Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
  • Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
  • Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
  • Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
  • My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
  • The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
  • My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
  • The missus -- See The Wife.
  • My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
  • My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
  • She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house...

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Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do
  • Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
  • Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
  • Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
  • What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
  • You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
  • What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
  • Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
  • Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
  • Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
  • I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
  • You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
  • Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
  • My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
  • If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
  • Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
  • If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
  • You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
  • Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

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A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

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They're Not Always Blonde - Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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It's moment like these when one particular swear word comes to mind!


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Dec 29th Humor Page