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T'was the week After
Christmas...
T'was the week after
Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every
mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a
jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
""Enjoy what you got ... you'll be paying all
year!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Twenty Uses for Fruitcake
- Use as a doorstop
- Use as a paperweight
- Use to clean your pots and pans
- Use as boat anchor
- Use as bricks in fireplace
- Build a house with them
- Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
- Use as a pencil holder
- Give it to the cat for a scratching post
- Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and
squirrels
- Hold up your car when changing tires
- Slice and use for poker chips
- Use it to carve your turkey on
- Use as replacement for Duraflame log
- Take it camping with you...use it to weigh
down the tent
- Use it as a seat at a stadium event
- Stand on it when you change a lightbulb
- Put it in the back of your car/truck for
snow/ice driving
- Replaces free weights when you work out
- Use as book ends at the school library
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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It was the day after Christmas.
The pastor of the church was looking
over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from
among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my
fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
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Christmas Tree Trivia
- Christmas trees have been sold
commercially in the United States since about 1850.
- In 1979, the National Christmas Tree was not
lighted except for the top ornament. This was done in honor of the
American hostages in Iran.
- Between 1887-1933 a fishing schooner called
the Christmas Ship would tie up at the Clark Street bridge and sell
spruce trees from Michigan to Chicagoans.
- The tallest living Christmas tree is believed
to be the 122-foot, 91-year-old Douglas fir in the town of
Woodinville, Washington.
- The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree
tradition began in 1933. Franklin Pierce, the 14th president, brought
the Christmas tree tradition to the White House.
- In 1923, President Calvin Coolidge started
the National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony now held every year on
the White House lawn.
- Since 1966, the National Christmas Tree
Association has given a Christmas tree to the President and first
family.
- Most Christmas trees are cut weeks before
they get to a retail outlet.
- In 1912, the first community Christmas tree
in the United States was erected in New York City.
- Christmas trees generally take 6-8 years to
mature.
- Christmas trees are grown in all 50 states
including Hawaii and Alaska.
- 100,000 people are employed in the Christmas
tree industry.
- 98 percent of all Christmas trees are grown
on farms.
- More than 1,000,000 acres of land have been
planted with Christmas trees.
- 77 million Christmas trees are planted each
year.
- On average, over 2,000 Christmas trees are
planted per acre.
- You should never burn your Christmas tree in
the fireplace. It can contribute to creosote buildup.
- Other types of trees such as cherry and
hawthorns were used as Christmas trees in the past.
- Thomas Edison's assistants came up with the
idea of electric lights for Christmas trees.
- In 1963, the National Christmas Tree was not
lit until December 22nd because of a national 30-day period of
mourning following the assassination of President Kennedy.
- Teddy Roosevelt banned the Christmas tree
from the White House for environmental reasons.
- In the first week, a tree in your home will
consume as much as a quart of water per day. Trees Archive Photos
- Tinsel was once banned by the government.
Tinsel contained lead at one time, now it's made of plastic.
- In 1984, the National Christmas Tree was lit
on December 13th with temperatures in the 70s, making it one of the
warmest tree lightings in history.
- 34 to 36 million Christmas trees are produced
each year and 95 percent are shipped or sold directly from Christmas
tree farms.
- California, Oregon, Michigan, Washington,
Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina are the top Christmas tree
producing states.
- The best selling trees are Scotch Pine,
Douglas Fir, Fraser Fir, Balsam Fir, and White Pine.
Submitted by Dory,
Pittsburgh, Pa.
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| The Twelve Days of Christmas Day One: Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a peartree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet
Day Two: Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet
Day Three: My Dear Bob, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist-you've been too, too kind. All my love, Violet
Day Four: Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic. Love, Violet
Day Five: Dear Bob, What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves. Affectionately, Violet
Day Six: Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining,
rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket. Now let this be the end of this. Cordially, Violet
Day Seven: Bob, What the hell's with you and these damn birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy. Sincerely, Violet
Day Eight: OK Pal ! ! WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING? I THINK I PREFER THE DAMN BIRDS! THE IDIOT MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR STUPID COWS. THERE IS COW POOP ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD POOP ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMART ASS.
Day Nine: LISTEN DIRT BAG! YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW POOP. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL
OVER THOSE DAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME. UP YOURS !!!
Day Ten: YOU ROTTEN JERK! NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. NOW THE STUPID COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED. I'M CALLING THE POLICE
!! I MEAN IT!
DAY ELEVEN: LISTEN SLIME BALL! NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING BEING BASHED BY NINE PIPERS WITH THEIR PIPES FOR TEN MILKING MAIDS!!! BY THE WAY. THE 60 MINUTES CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW
LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV. FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE DAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE BATTLE. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU !!!! I
NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE! MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE: LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight! With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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'Twas the bills after Christmas
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got . . . you'll be paying all year!"
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md
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The Department of Defense is going to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas ..
Status of acquisitions
follows:
Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the Process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The
Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps Tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.
Day 2 - Two turtledoves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that Turtles and doves may have interoperability
problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.
Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.
Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a Small Disadvantaged Business.
Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.
Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, The shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at a former Air Force base that was closed under
BRAC.
Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.
Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of Maids A Milking Training Program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit. Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing:
Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty. Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress
has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.
Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim Due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in Process to bring the pipes into spec.
Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.
As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support Current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Dec 22nd Humor Page |
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