Humor Selections for April 14th, 2010

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An Alberta farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's...

..., and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women...

... called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge femi-features:

  • Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.
  • An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles
  • Permanent press fenders.
  • A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.
  • Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

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While driving with my daughter and her husband..

... I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.

"That's weird," I said, pointing to it. "Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?"

"Call me crazy," said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, "but I believe that reads 'FUN-GAL.'"

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Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk...

..., the Tom Cruise look- alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Md.

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After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A Real Challenge - Download Video

At the promentary of Brittany in France, where the sea is no joke as the waters of the Atlantic meet the waters of the Channel, they have constructed the most incredible lighthouses for the safety of navigation in the region.

The violence of the sea in this extensive area explains why the 'Invincible Armada' of Spain, which was intended to invade England, had their ships wrecked about 200 yrs ago.*

The most difficult thing to understand is how the French managed to construct these lighthouses in the midst of the fury of the waves, and also how the lighthouse keepers manage to survive in such isolation.

It seems that to replace them [i.e., change of shifts - K], helicopters have to be used or the men have to be real acrobats as some of the pictures show [well, one of them - K].

As regards the musical theme, it is 'Amazing Grace' played by the Scottish Pies and Drums of the 48th Highland Regiment.

*In fact, 422 years ago [1588]; there were 130 Spanish ships carrying 20 000 soldiers and 8 500 sailors. Sir Francis Drake and Lord Howard of Effingham dealt with them in no uncertain manner and deposited many of them on the floor of the Channel during the battle which took place near Gravelines in France. It is considered the first real sea battle in history, involving lots of ships on both sides. Only 44 Spanish ships survived the battle and the subsequent escape attempt around the coast of Scotland

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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This is fishing in Manitoba



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