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| Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee... ..., were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A woman loses both ears in an accident.
A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can. The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon's office
to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out.
After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work. The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.
"You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me a man's ears."
"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What is wrong? Can't you hear?"
"I hear everything," she says. "The problem is I do not understand anything I am told."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married.
When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to
live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and
we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."
"That's great, Mom," replies the son.
"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| You know how irritating mobile phone users are... ... when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their
business? When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can now get you own back!!!
After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm
on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
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There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it.
He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions.
The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book.
A fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback.
A sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
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Sayings, My Little
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife... ..., who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd
like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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| Nina Burri Performance - Download Video
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
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March 15th Humor Page |
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