They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

2. What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. - Camille , age 10

3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

4. What do you think your mum and dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

5. What do most people do on a date?

• Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

6. When is it okay to kiss someone?

• The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
• The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8

7. Is it better to be single or married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

8. How would you make a marriage work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like the back of a bus. - Ricky, age 10

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
 

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Cat Quotes

• "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
• "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
• "There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast." -Anonymous
• "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
• "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
• "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
• "One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
• "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
• "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
• "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
• "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
• "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
• "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
• The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
• "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Anonymous
• "Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
• "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
• "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
• "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
• "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols
• "The smallest feline is a masterpiece." - Leonardo Da Vinci
• "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." - Anonymous
• "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea" - Robert A. Heinlein

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• Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
• Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
• Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
• Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops eventually.
• Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
• Interesting aromas.
• Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
• Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
• Celebrate the holidays with all your friends, at work.
• Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

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• If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
• If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
• If you have more toys than your kids
• If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
• If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
• If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
• If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
• If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
• If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
• If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

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Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Feb 13th Humor Page