An investment counselor decided to go out on her own.

She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10.

They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.

It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

• Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

• Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.