Today's Additions

Humor Selections for Feb 13th, 2012

My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday and Thursday. Happily maintained by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.	Help us build our joke and story bank. E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net

Enjoyable and unbelievable collection of Valentine's Day Fun Facts.

About 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged in US each year. That's the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.
Women purchase 85% of all valentines.
In order of popularity, Valentine's Day cards are given to teachers, children, mothers, wives, sweethearts and pets.
Parents receive 1 out of every 5 valentines.
About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine's Day gifts to their pets.
Valentine's Day and Mother's Day are the biggest holidays for giving flowers.
Worldwide, over 50 million roses are given for Valentine's Day each year.
California produces 60 percent of American roses, but the vast number sold on Valentine's Day in the United States are imported, mostly from South America. Approximately 110 million roses, the majority red, will be sold and delivered within a three-day time period.
73% of people who buy flowers for Valentine's Day are men, while only 27 percent are women.
Men buy most of the millions of boxes of candy and bouquets of flowers given on Valentine's Day.
In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.
The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare's lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine's Day.
Richard Cadbury invented the first Valentines Day candy box in the late 1800s.
Alexander Graham Bell applied for his patent on the telephone, an "Improvement in Telegraphy", on Valentine's Day, 1876.
The oldest surviving love poem till date is written in a clay tablet from the times of the Sumerians, inventors of writing, around 3500 B.C
Amongst the earliest Valentine's Day gifts were candies. The most common were chocolates in heart shaped boxes.
In some countries, a young woman may receive a gift of clothing from a prospective suitor. If the gift is kept, then it means she has accepted his proposal of marriage
If an individual thinks of five or six names considered to be suitable marriage partners and twists the stem of an apple while the names are being recited, then it is believed the eventual spouse will be the one whose name was recited at the moment the stem broke.
In Medieval times, girls ate unusual foods on St Valentine's Day to make them dream of their future husband

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Return to: Top of Page, List of Interesting Facts, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Valentine's Day Superstitions

It is said that the kind of bird a girl watches on Valentine's Day predicts her future husband. For instance:
- Sparrow: a poor man
- Owl: remain spinster
- Bluebird: a happy man
- Blackbird: a priest or clergyman
- Crossbill: an argumentative man
If an apple is cut in half, the number of seeds found inside the fruit will indicate the number of children that individual will have.
To be awoken by a kiss on Valentine's Day is considered lucky.
On Valentine's Day, the first guy's name you read in the paper or hear on the TV or radio will be the name of the man you will marry.
If you see a squirrel on Valentine's Day, you will marry a cheapskate who will hoard all your money.
If you see a goldfinch on Valentine's Day, you will marry a millionaire.
If you see a robin on Valentine's Day, you will marry a crime fighter - maybe they mean Batman!
If you see a flock of doves on Valentine's Day, you will have a happy, peaceful marriage.
If you find a glove on the road on Valentine's Day, your future beloved will have the other missing glove.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Interesting Facts, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Valentine card sayings:

these are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my entire life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Redneck Valentine Card

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Luv

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes,

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the Man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent Woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Football.
Golf.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed Answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

Yeah, why not.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Define pretty
Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)

Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Woman: - - - silence - - -
Man: Damn!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by Kate, San Diego, Calif.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Marriage and Men

When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...

Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes,

The greatest excuse for speeding

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Submitted by Peggy, Germantown, Md.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes,