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A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all the gosh-darned day!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
Submitted by Earl, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley... ... which eventually soaked the carpet
throughout the cabin of the 747.
A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"
Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up."
With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Frau Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens...
"Nationality" asks the immigration officer.
"German" she replied.
"Occupation?"
...."No, just here for a few days"...
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| Here's how a man evolves directly following marriage. The Love Word:
- After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!
- After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
- After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I proposed?
Back from Work:
- After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
- After 6 months: BACK!!
- After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
Phone Ringing:
- After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
- After 6 months: Here, for you
- After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!
Cooking:
- After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
- After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
- After 6 years: AGAIN!
New Dress:
- After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
- After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
- After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
- After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
- After 6 months: I like this movie
- After 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself
Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
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Many aspects of human sexuality are puzzling. Take celibacy, for example. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While
attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
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Oneliners
- A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.
- They who are afraid to ask are ashamed of learning.
- Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
- Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.
- If men knew what women laughed about, they would never sleep with us.
- If your parachute doesn't open up for you, you've obviously jumped to a conclusion.
- If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research.
- Sign in a travel agency window: "Please go away."
- Hummingbirds have forgotten the words.
- If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.
- Humility is such an elusive thing. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.
- I'd never make it on one of those Survivor shows. Every time I even think about eating something like caterpillars, I get butterflies in my stomach.
- Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
- People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
- Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.
- George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
- It's neither conservative nor liberal to be anti-war. It's humanitarian.
- Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
- When Wal-Mart builds stores in China, will they sell only items imported from the United States?
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The Beer Run - Download Video
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
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A must have in every home in America ! For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house! In view of the recent supreme court ruling, sales of this new
product may skyrocket. Nail guns! And, you don't even have to register them or have licenses for them! And, you don't have to worry about them being concealed! Just a lot of good stuff to do with this!
Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for father's day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:
New nail gun, made by Dewalt
It can drive a 16-d nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get your spouse to hold the fence boards in place while you sit
back, relax and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt rapid fire nail gun, she will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again!
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March 26th Humor Page |
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