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| A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear... ... when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we
are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...
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Jokes, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
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A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Classified Goof-Ups
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.
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Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
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Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
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Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
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Stock up and save. Limit: one.
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Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
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3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
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| "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
The couple's 50th wedding anniversary was approaching.
The husband asked his long-suffering wife, "What would you like to do for our anniversary, Dear?"
She looked at him sourly and replied, "Become a widow!"
I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the
little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
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Jokes About Marriage, My Little
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During my last physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level... ... and so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped
from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, drank eight beers and took four "leaks" behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Sports Jokes, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
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The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.
An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
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A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were each given the following problem to solve.
A school dance floor included a straight line down the middle dividing the floor in two equal halves. Boys were lined up against one wall and girls against the opposite wall, each facing the centre line. They were instructed
to advance in stages towards the centre line every ten seconds, where the distance from the person to the centre line at each stage is equal to one-half the distance at the past stage.
i.e.: If the starting distance from the wall to centre line was D, the progressive series of distances at t = 0, 10 seconds, 20 seconds...10n seconds to the centre line is (D, D/2, D/4, D/8, .....D/2n)
The question is, when will they meet at the middle?
The mathematician said that they would never meet.
The physicist said they would meet when time equals infinity.
The engineer said that in one minute they would be close enough for all practical purposes.
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| Where do Referees get their Training? - Download Video
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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March 17th Humor Page |
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