.... because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Jill, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

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• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
• herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crLpes.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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• Put your tie on backwards
• Spit on the floor
• Discuss all five of your marriages
• Tell them that your bankruptcy was only two years ago
• Mention that you had a boil on your posterior
• Say that at your last job, you weren't fired, but was just voted out by a majority of your staff.
• Say that you voted for Eisenhower in 1952.
• Notice that you have one blue and one green sock on, and mention at times you are a bit absent minded.
• Mention that their CEO is an old friend, and they tell you that he was fired last week.
• Tell them that your hobbies are skin diving, betting on horses and padding your expense account.
• Admit that you were hospitalized twice last year, for extreme exhaustion after a light workout, and for consuming 65 hot dogs at a Nathan's eating contest at Coney Island.
• Cannot stand people who comes in late to a meeting when you do.
• Sometimes you cannot tell the difference between the mens and ladies room.
• Cannot tell the difference between fixative and laxative, and now you cannot pry your dentures off of the toilet seat.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
• Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves.
• The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA'
• The mask used by Michael Myers in the original Halloween was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
• The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'.
• The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
• By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
• Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
• Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest.
• In Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.
• Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
• An old law in Bellingham, Wash. made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
• Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
• Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

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... and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping.

I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened.

At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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April 6th Humor Page