Humor Selections for July 11th, 2014

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A man wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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A women stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant...

... who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University...

... and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

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Late Night humor
  • Do you remember the smile on the little girl's face when Frosty the Snowman came back to life? Well, that's kind of how I felt today when the honorable Mayor Rob Ford returned to the city of Toronto. It's always a great day for a city when their mayor comes back from rehab. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • We're now down to the final 38 weeks of the World Cup. This morning when France played Nigeria, it was the first time an American referee ever officiated a knockout round match. The French won it by a touchdown. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • New Rule: [slides of two "glamorous" mug shots] The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the **** out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking. - Bill Maher
  • New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that all those Central American kids we're detaining prove we have to secure the border. The border is secure. How do you think we caught all those darn kids? - Bill Maher
  • New Rule: The Republican prankster who keeps following Hillary Clinton around in an orange squirrel costume...has to stop. First of all, she's not even running for president, yet. And, secondly, why a squirrel? Oh, that's right. Because Republicans like to gather all their nuts in the fall. - Bill Maher
  • New Rule: Since we imported four billion pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be - that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made, fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!" - Bill Maher
  • A big movie opened. "Transformers: Age of Extinction." You know, the Transformers — they transform. They are robots in disguise. I don't know if it will do well. After all these World Cup games, Americans can't handle any more excitement. - Craig Ferguson
  • The Learning Channel's new show is called "Buying Naked." It's a reality show about nudists buying houses. You know the thing about nakedness: People say I want to see you naked and then you see somebody naked and you think, Oh, I spoke too soon. It is better in the concept form.- Craig Ferguson
  • A man walked into McDonald's with a knife in his back. Yeah, with a knife in his back. His heart wasn't in danger until he ordered the food, said doctors. - Conan O'Brien
  • NBC is making a movie about the Beatles. However, they will not be allowed to use the Beatles music and they will not be allowed to use the Beatles likenesses. Other than that it's a green light all the way. - David Letterman
  • The American men's soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup after a victorious defeat by Germany. - Craig Ferguson
  • Tonight is the NBA draft, also known as "Purchase a Giant Day." Cleveland had the No. 1 overall pick and took Andrew Wiggins from the University of Kansas, who has already announced plans to leave the team to play in Miami. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on. - Jimmy Fallon
  • This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, "So, they finally got Hillary?" - Conan O'Brien
  • President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone.- David Letterman
  • A Colorado man unsuccessfully tried to break into a University of Colorado ATM by spraying it with acid and waiting for it to eat the protective covering away. He was caught when authorities examined the three hours of security footage of his face. - Seth Meyers
  • In England a major highway had to be closed yesterday because a truck overturned. And the truck was filled with instant mashed potatoes. I was thinking that there must be a joke in this, but I couldn't think of one. - Craig Ferguson
  • A piece of rock 'n' roll history was sold yesterday. Some of Bob Dylan's handwritten lyrics from 1965 went up for auction and got $2 million. Paying $2 million for Bob Dylan lyrics is a good way to know that Bob Dylan would have hated you in 1965. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Yesterday Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president "as soon as possible." So even she has had enough of President Obama. - Conan O'Brien
  • I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen. - David Letterman
  • The cast of "Game of Thrones" had a very special visitor — Queen Elizabeth. A lot of the Royals on "Game of Thrones" get offed. It leads me to believe this visit was arranged by Prince Charles. - Craig Ferguson
  • LeBron James' agent said LeBron will become a free agent on July 1. Can a guy who makes more than $20 million technically be a free agent? Wouldn't it be funny if he went back to Cleveland? That would be like getting back together with an ex and pretending nothing happened. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'. - Conan O'Brien
  • After the Pope's announcement about the Mafia, the first thing I thought was: Well, good luck starting the Popemobile. - David Letterman
  • It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will. - Craig Ferguson
  • Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money. - Jimmy Fallon
  • A big movie opened today. I'm very excited about it. "Jersey Boys." It's based on the Broadway play. It's about the hot musical group all the kids love — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. - Craig Ferguson
  • Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners. - David Letterman
  • Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan. - Seth Meyers
  • Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of "Game of Thrones" next week. She said things are hard to keep track of because everyone keeps dying. And then Prince Charles said, "Not everyone." - Jimmy Fallon
  • Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino — remember him? He was arrested for getting in a fight with his brother at a tanning salon. This marks a disturbing trend in orange-on-orange violence which cannot continue. - Conan O'Brien
  • Tomorrow is the 39th anniversary of a movie that we all saw and enjoyed and still enjoy today — "Jaws." The director, of course, Stephen Spielberg — talk about a one-hit wonder! - David Letterman
  • A Canadian woman was arrested for having an open container of liquor while driving Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s SUV. Although when Rob Ford’s in the car, anyone not smoking crack is legally considered a designated driver. - Seth Meyers

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

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Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

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Ever Texted While Driving?  - Download Video

This is a very effective video. By now, the dangers of texting while driving are obvious. But if you need any more convincing, this candid-camera ad from Volkswagen drives the point home.

The advertisement, set in what appears to be a movie theater in Hong Kong, shows an audience watching intently as it's presented a driver's seat view out of the windshield of a moving car.

However, after a few moments, a mass text -- sent on purpose from inside the theater -- goes out to all the moviegoers.

Most of the entire crowd reaches down to whip out their phones, and...  Watch the video....


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Why do I like living in the South?  Because of its cultural uniqueness



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March 20th Humor Page