Humor Selections for February 6th, 2014

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A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot...

The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

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A man had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home...

... and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

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Late Night humor
  • President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target's job. - Jay Leno
  • The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don't even have American smog anymore. - Conan O'Brien
  • Meteorologists say New York City is experiencing "blizzard-like conditions." I'm no expert, but by gosh, isn't that a blizzard? - David Letterman
  • Bill Gates said he’s a little nervous about his interview, but if we run into any trouble, I’ll just unplug him, wait a few seconds, and then reboot him. - Jimmy Fallon
  • According to a report in the British Journal of Psychiatry, comedians often have psychotic personality traits. The report said these psychotic traits tend to emerge right after they’ve been fired from their job. That’s what it said. So . . . say hello to my little friend! - Jay Leno
  • Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn't like. When asked what he did, Lewis said "a sit-up." -Conan O'Brien
  • If you're planning to drive across the river and cross the George Washington Bridge to attend the Super Bowl, you'd better leave now. - David Letterman
  • The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles. - Jay Leno
  • Oprah's movie "The Butler" was not nominated for the best picture Oscar. Oprah is said to be very disappointed but she's being comforted but her 700 REAL butlers. - Conan O'Brien
  • Alex Rodriguez has a lot of trouble. He is suing everybody in baseball, and meanwhile he is terribly out of shape. He hasn't played ball in a long time. Gee, I wonder what a guy like that does to get back into top physical condition. - David Letterman
  • Unfortunately I wasn't nominated for an Oscar again this year. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get one now. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. In fact, a recent poll shows that most pot smokers couldn't care less. - Jay Leno
  • A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an affair. Or as Chris Christie's interns put, 'No it!' - Jimmy Fallon
  • In a new interview that just came out, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized. - Conan O'Brien
  • Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto. - Conan O'Brien
  • Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey. - Jay Leno
  • Police are searching Justin Bieber's home for evidence in an egg-throwing vandalism scandal. You know you're a real gangster when the police raid your home looking for something from the dairy aisle. - Conan
  • The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out? - Jimmy Kimmel
  • The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work. - Jay Leno
  • It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, "You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year." - Conan O'Brien
  • We have a breakdown of the regimen of banned substances that Alex Rodriguez took daily. Four injections of performance-enhancing drugs. Two testosterone lozenges. two different skin creams. A handful of anti-aging pills. And a Tic-Tac. - David Letterman
  • Justin Bieber was accused of egging his neighbor's house. The neighbor claimed he caused about $20,000 in damage. He throws Fabergé eggs only. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • We're learning more about this George Washington Bridge scandal. During the traffic jam, a two-block commute that would normally take five minutes took 45 minutes to an hour. As we call that in L.A., "making pretty good time." We would kill for that on the 405 Freeway. - Jay Leno
  • Governor Christie was asked, "Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, "Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it." - David Letterman
  • People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, "Hey, wanna trade scandals?" - Jimmy Fallon

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

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Famous Quotes

  • I can resist anything except temptation. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
  • The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
  • One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
  • Without passion man is mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark. Henry Amiel (1921 – 1991) Swiss Philosopher
  • She who has never loved, has never lived. John Gay (1688 – 1732) English Play-writer
  • What’s man’s first duty? The answer is brief: to be himself. Henrik Ibsen (1828 – 1906) Norwegian Dramatist
  • Marriage, if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil. Menander (c. 342-c. 291 B.C.) Greek Comic Dramatist
  • Man is born to live and not to prepare to live. Boris Pasternak (1890 – 1960) Russian Writer
  • Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin (1706 – 1790) American Scientist, Diplomat
  • The majority of the dreams of adult deal with sexual material and express erotic wishes. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
  • To make love the requirement of a lifelong marriage is exceedingly difficult, and only a very few people can achieve it. I don’t believe in setting up universal standards that a large proportion of people can’t reach. Margaret Mead (1901 – 1978) American Anthropologist
  • My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends – It gives a lovely light! Edna Millay (1892 – 1950) American Poet
  • Pure women are only those who have not been asked; and a man who is angry at his wife’s amours is mere rustic. Ovid (43 B.C. – 18 A.D.) Roman Poet
  • Love is free; to promise for ever to love the same woman is not less absurd that to promise to believe that same creed; such a vow in both cases excludes us from all inquiry. Percy Shelley (1792 – 1822) English Poet
  • It is impossible to repent of love. The sin of love doesn’t exist. Murial Spark (1918 – 2006) British Writer
  • In a wife I would desire what in whores is always found - The lineaments of gratified desire. William Blake (1757 – 1827) English Poet, Artist
  • Time, which strengthens friendship, weakens love. Jean de la Bruyre (1645 – 1696) French essayist, Moralist
  • A wife is a burden imposed by law. Petronius (c.66 A.D.) Roman Writer
  • Home life is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo. Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950) Irish Dramatist
  • …marriage is a very alienating institution, for men as well as for women… It’s a very dangerous institution – dangerous for men who find themselves trapped, saddled with a wife and children to support, dangerous for women, who aren’t financially independent and end up depending on men who can throw them out when they are 40, and dangerous for children because their parents vent all their frustration on them. Simone de Beauvoir (1908 – 1986) French Writer
  • When the coin is tossed either Love or Lust will fall uppermost. But if the metal is right, under the one will always be other. Gerald Brenan (1894 – 1987) British Writer
  • Love, the strongest and deepest element in all lives, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws; love, the freest, the most powerful moulder of human destiny, how can such an all-compelling force be synonymous with that poor little State and Church-begotten weed, marriage? Emma Goldman (1869 – 1940) Russian-born American Feminist, Writer
  • There is only one real tragedy in woman’s life. The fact that the past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
  • The passions are the gates of the soul. Baltasar Gracian (1601 – 1658) Spanish Jesuit Writer
  • To burn always with this hard, gem-like flame, to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life. Walter Pater (1839 – 1894) English man of letters
  • Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and liberation of our finest and most exalted activities. Henry Ellis (1859 – 1939) British Psychologist, Writer
  • Sex is a biological fact which is hard to evaluate psychologically, although it is of extraordinary importance in mental life. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
  • Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon… Henry Mencken (1880 – 1956) American Critic, Editor
  • The sexual impulse next to the love of life shows itself the strongest and most powerful… Arthur Schopenhauer (1738 – 1860) German Philosopher
  • We all live, at any rate for a time, and most of us always, in poligamy. Arthur Schopenhauer (1738 – 1860) German Philosopher
  • There is no use arguing about poligamy; it must be taken as de facto existing everywhere, and the only question is how it shall be regulated. Arthur Schopenhauer (1738 – 1860) German Philosopher
  • The most revolutionary invention of the 19th century was the artificial sterilization of marriage. George Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950) Irish Dramatist
  • Sex is the foundation of marriage. Yet, most of married couples do not know the A B C of sex. Theodore H. Van de Veld (1873 – ?) Dutch Physician
  • Lies are essential to humanity. They are perhaps as important as the pursuit of pleasure and moreover are dictated by that pursuit. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1923) French Novelist
  • There is nothing like sexual desire to keep our words from having anything to do with our thoughts. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1923) French Novelist
  • Puritan tradition, combined with Christian management of adolescence, has converted the sexual life of civilized men and women into a neurosis. Robert Briffault (1876 – 1948) British Surgeon, Novelist
  • Wives are young men’s mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men’s nurses… But yet he was reputed one of the wise men, that made answer to the question when a man should marry? A young man not yet, an older man not at all. Francis Bacon (1561 – 1626) English Essayist, Philosopher
  • To say that you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live. Leo Tolstoy (1828 – 1910) Russian Writer
  • An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know. Bette Davis (1908 – 1989) American Actress
  • Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames. Thomas Moore (1779 – 1852) Irish Poet, Singer, Entertainer
  • Promiscuity is like never reading past the first page. Monogamy is like reading the same book over and over. Mason Cooley (1927 – 2002) American Aphorist
  • I think that monogamy is artificial. I do not think it’s something that comes naturally to us. Tom Ford (born 1961) American Fashion Designer
  • Love has been in perpetual strife with monogamy. A great poet has seldom sung of lawfully wedded happiness, but often of free and secret love; and in this respect, too, the time is coming when there will no longer be one standard of morality for poetry, and another for life. Ellen Key (1849 – 1926) Swedish Feminist, Writer
  • Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy. Huey Long (1893 – 1935) Louisiana Governor, US Senator
  • Marriage requires a special talent, like acting. Monogamy requires genius. Warren Beatty (born 1937) American Actor
  • I don’t think being monogamous is a natural instinct for human beings, but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in monogamy or true love. I believe in finding a soul mate. Monogamy can be hard work for some people. I don’t think it applies to everybody, and I don’t think a lot of people can do it. Scarlett Johannson (born 1984) American Actress
  • Monogamy is impossible these days for both sexes. I don’t know anyone who’s faithful or wants to be. Goldie Hawn (born 1945) American Actress
  • Monogamy is like good crystal – beautiful – but once you get it, all it takes is one chip and it’s never the same again. Fred Barton (born 1958) American Composer, Director, Actor, Singer, Pianist
  • Personally I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married. Zsa`Zsa Gabor (born 1917) Hungarian-born American Actress
  • If kissing and being engaged were this inflammatory, marriage must burn clear to the bone. I wondered how flesh and blood could endure the ecstasy. How did married couples manage to look so calm and unexcited? Jessamyn West (1902 – 1984) American Writer
  • If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. Katharine Hepburn (1907 – 2003) American Actress
  • Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. Jane Austen (1775 – 1817) English Novelist
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
  • I said to this priest: ‘Am I expected to believe that if I went out and had an affair that Godwas really going to be upset? Okay, thou shalt not kill… steal… but thou shalt not commit adultery? If no one is any the wiser, what the hell difference does it make?’ He was lovely. He told me the Commandments were laid down for a lot of guys living in the desert’. Diana Dors (1931 – 1984) English actress and Sex Symbol
  • The sexual act cannot be reduced to a chapter on hygienics; it is an exciting, dark, sinful, diabolical experience… Sex multiplies the possibilities of desire. Luis Bunuel (1900 – 1983) Spanish Movie Maker
  • In her first passion woman loves her lover, In all the others all she loves is love. Lord Byron (1788 – 1824) English Poet
  • Adultery, without two persons to commit it, is not possible. Saint Jerome (c.340 – 420) Roman Theologian
  • Love knows no rule. Saint Jerome (c.340 – 420) Roman Theologian
  • The Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. Somerset Maugham (1874 – 1965) British Writer
  • The greatest tragedy of life is not that men parish, but that they cease to love. Somerset Maugham (1874 – 1965) British Writer
  • We think and name in one world, we live and feel in another. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922) French Novelist
  • We love only what we do not completely possess. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922) French Novelist
  • Adultery introduces spirit into what might otherwise have been the dead letter of marriage. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922) French Novelist
  • It is hardly granted by God to love and to be wise. Publilius Syrus (1st century B.C.) Syria-born Latin Writer
  • To abandon the struggle for private happiness, to expel all eagerness of temporary desire, to burn with passion for eternal things – this is emancipation, and this is the free man’s worship. Bertrand Russell (1872 – 1970) British Mathematician, Philosopher
  • The psychology of adultery has been falsified by conventional morals, which assume, in Monogamous countries, that attraction to one person cannot coexist with a serious affection for another. Everybody knows that this is untrue. Bertrand Russell (1872 – 1970) British Mathematician, Philosopher
  • Marriage has, as you say, no natural relation to love. Marriage belongs to society; it is a social contract. Samuel Coleridge (1772 – 1834) British Poet, Philosopher
  • The man’s desire is for a woman; but the woman’s desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man. Samuel Coleridge (1772 – 1834) British Poet, Philosopher
  • That very name of wife and marriage Is poison to the dearest sweets of love. John Dryden (1631 – 1700) English Poet, Critic
  • By annihilating the desires, you annihilate the mind. Every man without passion has within him no principle of action, not motive to act. Claud-Adrian Helovetius (1715 – 1771) French Philosopher
  • Once a man’s married he’s absolutely bitched. Ernest Hemingway (1898 – 1961) American Writer
  • There is not man in a world who doth not look at another’s wife, if beautiful and young, with a degree of desire. The Hitopadesa – Collection of Hindu Writings
  • Much of our most highly valued cultured heritage has been acquired at the cost of our sexuality. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
  • The symptoms of neurosis, as we have learnt, are essentially substitute gratifications forunfulfilled sexual wishes. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
  • …most men seem (not without some ground) to identify the good, or happiness, with pleasure; which is the reason why they love the life of enjoyment. Aristotle (384 – 322) Greek Philosopher
  • How true is saying, "It is impossible to live with the tormentors [women], impossible to live without them." Aristophanes (c.450 – 385 B.C.) Athenian Poet, Dramatist
  • I think that the pleasure is to be deemed natural which arises out of the intercourse between men and women… Plato (428 – 348 B.C.) Athenian Philosopher
  • Sex is the ersatz or substitute religion of the 20th Century. Malcolm Muggeridge (1903 – 1990) British Journalist, Satirist
  • Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society. Malcolm Muggeridge (1903 – 1990) British Journalist, Satirist
  • The orgasm has replaced the cross as the focus of longing and fulfillment. Malcolm Muggeridge (1903 – 1990) British Journalist, Satirist
  • Cherchez la femme. Look for the woman. Alexandre Dumas (1803 – 1870) French Writer
  • The substance of our lives is woman. All other things are irrelevancies, hypocrisies, subterfuges. We sit talking about sports and politics, and all the whiles our hearts are filled with memories of women and capture of women. George Moore (1852 – 1933) Irish Novelist
  • Men of reason have endured; men of passion have lived. Sebastien Chamfort (1741 – 1794) French man of letters
  • A movement of the soul contrary to nature in the sense of disobedience to reason, that is what passions are. Clement of Alexandria (150? – 220?) Church Father
  • Only the passions, only great passions, can elevate the mind to great things. Denis Diderot (1713 – 1784) French Philosopher
  • Man is only great when he acts from the passions. Benjamin Disraeli (1804 – 1881) English Statesman, Novelist
  • One Year of Joy, another of Comfort, the rest of Contentment, make the married life happy. Thomas Fuller (1654 – 1734) English Cleric

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How to test the brakes on a tank - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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January 6th Humor Page