An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Q. What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? A. Kids won't eat broccoli.
• Q. Did you hear about the guy who swam the Atlantic twice without taking a bath? A. The dirty double crosser!
• Q. What do you get when you cross a cat and a pig? A. Sausage lynx
• Q. Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head? A. To keep his wig-wam.
• Q. How do you make a Kleenex dance? A. Blow a little boogie into it.
• Q. Did you hear about the happy Roman? A. He was gladiator.
• Q. Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? A. He made a spectacle of himself.
• Q. How about the man who ran through a screen door? A. He strained himself.

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• You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
• The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
• The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
• When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
• You think Central Park is "nature."
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
• You've worn out a car horn.
• You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

• You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
• Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
• You have more than one recipe for moose.
• Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
• The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when...

• You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
• "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
• After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
• "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
• Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

• You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
• You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
• A pass does not involve a football or dating.
• The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

• You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
• You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
• You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
• When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

• You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
• All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
• Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
• Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
• Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

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• On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
• "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine
• On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green
• "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing
• "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
• "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni
• My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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"Come on, Joseph, let's take the kid and go home."
 

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"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
 

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Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
 

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Some of our Brightest & Best Men!!!

(Subtitled: The Geniuses that walk among us)

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Dec 24th Humor Page