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| As a jet was flying over Arizona the copilot was providing his passengers... ... with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000
tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"
Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
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| After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case... ... the jury finally ended its 14 hours of
deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
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Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
- He had only one major publication.
- It was in Hebrew.
- It had no references.
- It wasn't published in a referred journal.
- Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
- He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
- The scientific community can't replicate His results.
- He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
- When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
- He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
- Some say He had His son teach class.
- He expelled His first two students.
- His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
- Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Newspaper Bloopers
- On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
- The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
- With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
- A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
- Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
- He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
- Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
- A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
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One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company.
There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." H e was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her
to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another technical problem solved.
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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss and covered with leaves... ..., grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's
happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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A Square Hole Drill Bit - Download Video Submitted by Dewey,
Pensacola, Fl.
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Nov 7th Humor Page |
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