Humor Selections for August 3rd, 2007

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George Carlin's new rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope . If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it' s for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck

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Some thoughts on the self by Anthony De Mello

An elderly man ran a curio and antique shop in a large city. A tourist once stepped into his shop and got talking to him about the many curious things that were stacked around the shop.

“What would yo say is the strangest and most mysterious thing you have here?”Asked the tourist.

The old man surveyed the hundreds of items – stuffed animals, shrunken heads, mounted fish, bizarre spiders, archaeological finds etc., and after a while he turned and answered, “the strangest thing in this shop? Undoubtedly myself.” 

A woman was deeply hurt by the behavior of her fifteen-year-old son. Each time they went out together he would walk on ahead of her, making her think he was ashamed of her, and so she asked him if he was.

“Oh, gosh, no , mum,” he stammered in embarrassment, “It’s just that you look so young I’m worried my friends will think I have a new girlfriend.”

Her hurt vanished as if by magic.

An elderly man, with a piece of cake on a plate, rang the doorbell of a house. The friend who opened the door was told “My wife is eighty-six today, and she wants you to have a piece of her birthday cake.”

The cake was received gratefully, particularly as the man had to walk nearly half a mile to deliver it.

An hour later the man was back. “Is anything the matter?” he was asked.

“Well,” he replied sheepishly, “Agatha sent me back to say she’s only eighty-five.” 

A rooster was scratching around in the stall of a large farm horse. When the horse began to get restless and started moving around, the rooster looked up at him and said, “We’d, both of us, better be careful, brother, or we are likely to step on each others toes.”

Guess what the ant said to the elephant when Noah was lining up all the animals to get them into the ark.

He said, “Stop pushing!”

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Great police one-liners
  • "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
  • "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
  • "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
  • "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
  • "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"
  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  • "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
  • "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
  • "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
  • "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A Little Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ...)

Also submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louver Museum.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.  However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Pulling over a NASCAR fan!!  Make sure you turn the volume up! Download Video

Submitted by bob, Rockville, Md.

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Houses in Weird Places


Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny

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