Humor Additions for November 8th 2004

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You know you're over 25 when...
  • You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
  • You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
  • You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
  • Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
  • You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
  • All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 50, he's only 50.
  • Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
  • Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
  • You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
  • Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
  • You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
  • Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
  • You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they Are for your child. 1
  • Pop music all starts to sound like crap.
  • You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
  • You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
  • You always have enough milk in.
  • To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have
  • While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
  • The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
  • You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
  • You wish you had a shed.
  • You have a shed.
  • You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."
  • Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
  • Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
  • When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets
  • You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

Submitted by Neil, Lindal-in-furness, England

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Great Quotes by Great Ladies
  • Inside every older person is a younger person - - wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong
  • Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
  • The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
  • I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
  • Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
  • A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
  • My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
  • Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
  • A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
  • The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman
  • Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
  • Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
  • Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
  • I try to take one day at a time - - but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
  • If you can't be a good example - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine
  • When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - - and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
  • I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler-
  • Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
  • In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
  • I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt
  • "Tell A man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he'll have to touch to make sure".

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other ....

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Why the dog left ...

Nov 5th Humor Page