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You know you're over 25 when...
- You leave clubs before the end to "beat the
rush".
- You get more excited about having a roast on
a Sunday than going clubbing.
- You stop dreaming of becoming a professional
footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
- Before throwing the local paper away, you
look through the property section.
- You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of
the Pops.
- All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 50, he's
only 50.
- Before going out anywhere, you ask what the
parking is like.
- Rather than throw a knackered pair of
trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the
garden.
- You buy your first ever T-shirt without
anything written on it.
- Instead of laughing at the innovations
catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both
the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter
cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for
the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter
would-be thieves.
- You make an effort to be in and out of the
curry house by 11.
- Sure, you have more disposable income, but
everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
- You don't get funny looks when you buy a
Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales
assistant assumes they Are for your child. 1
- Pop music all starts to sound like crap.
- You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut
because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway,
they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
- You become powerless to resist the lure of
self-assembly furniture.
- You always have enough milk in.
- To compensate for the fact that you have
little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud
tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the
mistaken belief that you have
- While flicking through the TV channels, you
happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
- The benefits of a pension scheme become
clear.
- You go out of your way to pick up a colour
chart from B&Q.
- You wish you had a shed.
- You have a shed.
- You actually find yourself saying "They don't
make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only
3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."
- Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1
- and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
- Instead of tutting at old people who take
ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction
is poor.
- When sitting outside a pub you become envious
of their hanging baskets
- You come face to face with your own mortality
for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives
way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life
and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have
no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and
incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a
wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying
every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a
full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as
much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk
pan thrown in, ...
Submitted by Neil,
Lindal-in-furness,
England
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Great Quotes by Great Ladies
- Inside every older person is a younger person - - wondering
what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong
- Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can
usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
- The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
- Helen Hayes (at 73)
- I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as
stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
- Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -
Lily Tomlin
- A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned
a car. - Carrie Snow
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with
your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
- My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first
being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma
Bombeck
- Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
- A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do
what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
- The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman
- Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through
the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
- Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to
be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -
Charlotte Whitton
- Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and
your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
- I try to take one day at a time - - but sometimes several
days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
- If you can't be a good example - - then you'll just have to
be a horrible warning. - Catherine
- When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids
for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing
loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb - - and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
them. - Sue Grafton
- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride
on. - Roseanne Barr
- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. - Elayne Boosler-
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon
Pearson
- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you
want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I
keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -
Eleanor Roosevelt
- "Tell A man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and
he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he'll have
to touch to make sure".
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a
male buffalo with the other ....
He says to the waiter, "Me want
coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in
one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to
the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your
mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper
management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave
mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Why the dog left ...
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Nov 5th Humor Page
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