(This note is for those outside the Garden State)

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

• Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
• My computer is called "My Computa"
• The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
• Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"
• Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
• Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"
• and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
• Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"
• Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

• OK...........Sure ting
• Cancel......Fugetaboutit
• Reset........Start ova
• Yes............Yeah
• No..............Nah
• Find............Put a contract out on
• Browse........Get a looksee
• Back...........U-Toin
• Help...........Get your own ansa
• Stop............Knock it off
• Start............Move it
• Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)

• First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
• Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
• On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
• Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray."
• There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
• All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
• The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
• If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
• Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
• All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
• If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect.
• Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
• All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
• All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
• A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
• The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
• The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
• If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
• If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day.
• If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.
• If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
• If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.

Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of your car and moving the barrels.
2. Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the road battle, so never use them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less your chance of getting hit.
5. The car with the most extensive body work automatically has the right of way (remember no-fault insurance - he might not have as much to lose as you do).
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible, to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in; this will give you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
7. Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.
8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, but just to tell time and make Philly look progressive.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is encouraged - that's why they're paved.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Philly look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are intended only as suggestions and are actually unenforceable.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Schuylkill or anywhere downtown.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unlucky breakdown victim get mugged.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Downtown Philly is the home of very high-speed slalom driving, thanks to PENDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires are left on new highways (where potholes haven't yet been established) for the same purpose.
15. It is considered correct in Philly to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. Our city is founded upon such traditions.
16. Seeking eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right of way.
17. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to New Jersey.
18. It's OK to back up along the shoulder of the road if you missed your exit, particularly if it is the Schuylkill or I95. This gives the other drivers a more challenging "moving target" rather than those stationary barrels.

• You know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
• You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
• You can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
• You know exactly how long "directly" is _ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
• You know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
• You know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
• crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
• You grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
• You know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
• You never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
• You know that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
• You know that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
• You make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
• You never refer to one person as "y'all."
• You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
• You know tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
• You say things like, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ,"
• You say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it _ we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
• You know that if you are with a couple of friends you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
• You know you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

• You realize that your favorite dessert is wooder ice. (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assorted flavors.)
• You find yourself using "Yo" and "Youse guys" when talking long distance to family members.
• You know how to spell Schuylkill.
• You think $2,500 for insurance on a '79 Toyota is a bargain.
• You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "This would only be three bucks at a truckstop."
• You can sleep soundly through gunshots in the neighborhood.
• You visit New York and notice how clean it is.
• You believe that the car on your side, flashing its turn signal, wants you to close the gap with the car in front.
• You can't eat fries without Cheeze Whiz.
• You find street people greet you by first name.
• You don't think Wawa sounds funny.
• You snub a cheesesteak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.
• Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.
• You love scrapple for breakfast.
• You took a vacation at the shore (and liked it).
• You know where to find the Rocky statue.
• Only tourists go to Geno and Pat's for an authentic cheesesteak.
• You buy soft pretzels at a traffic light.

• Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
• There are 5000 types of snakes, and 4998 live in South Carolina.
• There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in South Carolina, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.
• Squirrels will eat anything.
• Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
• Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
• If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
• A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
• Onced and Twiced are words.
• It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
• Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
• People actually grow and eat okra.
• "Fixinto" is one word.
• There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and then there's "supper."
• Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.
• "Backards and forwards" means, "I know everything about you."
• "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
• You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

• You measure distance in minutes.
• You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day.
• You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
• You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.
• You know what "cow tipping" is.
• You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and catsup.
• The local papers cover national and international news on one page and six pages for local gossip and sports.
• Your think that the first day deer season is a national holiday.
• You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
• You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
• Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' wal-martin" or "Off to ' Wally World'."
• You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.
• A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you want?"
• Fried Catfish is the other white meat.