She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even sh ow up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked her, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend Audrey, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea. How would that be fair? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical .

Our OIL is located in

• Alaska
• California
• Coastal Florida
• Coastal Louisiana
• Kansas
• Oklahoma
• Pennsylvania
• Texas

But our dipsticks Are located in Washington , DC !!!

Any Questions ???

• Broiled Missionary: $10.00
• Fried Explorer: $15.00
• Grilled Republican: $20.00
• Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat ?'

The cook replied 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook.

They told this story which President Reagan once told in public:

A soviet and an American are arguing about liberty in their countries:

The American says: You see in our democracy I have the right to go to Washington, To enter the White House, to smash open the Oval office door and punch the President desk and say "I don't like the way you’re running the country."

The Russian citizen answered: "We also have the right to go to Kremlin Citadell, to open the door and punch the desk of the General Secretary of the Party And "I disagree the way President Reagan rules the USA …."

Or

" Two Russians were standing in a long line to reach the butcher’s shop about 3 miles away The queue moving forward at a slowly pace Suddenly one of the Russian shouts "I am fed up with all this, it’s unbearable, I have to do something I am gonna kill Gorbatchev…"

"Hey are you nuts says the other Russian"

"I am on my way says the upset soviet." And he goes.

A few hours later he comes back in the row. His pal had only made a few steps forward and asked "Did you kill him?"

"No…impossible" answered his friend disgustedly"

"Why?"  Asked his friend

"The line is even longer this this one …."

• 1/20/09: End of an Error
• That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
• Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
• If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
• Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber
• If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
• Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
• Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
• George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
• Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
• America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
• They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
• Who's God Do You Kill For?
• Cheney/Satan '08
• Jail to the Chief
• No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
• Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
• Bad President! No Banana.
• We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
• We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
• Is It Vietnam Yet?
• Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
• Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
• You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
• Impeach Cheney First
• Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
• When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
• Pray For Impeachment
• Fermez la Bush
• The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
• What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
• One Nation Under Clod
• 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
• Bush Never Exhaled
• At Least Nixon Resigned

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

The bigger the ego the thicker the skin,
The bigger the lie the smoother the spin,
The more the disdain the wider the grin -
There's only one goal and that is to win.

The promises made they never will keep,
The artful denial of prejudice deep,
The wondrous reforms that are not, but they're cheap -
The goal is the same. Who cares if we weep?

When to serve all the people is to serve only one,
To distribute the wealth is something they shun,
And the cudgel of fear has only begun -
Democracy's lost. Self interest has won.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen'.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.