Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
 

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• On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
• Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
• Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
• A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
• Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'
• A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
• Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
• Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
• "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
• I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
 

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"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
 

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Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."
 

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The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
  

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• Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
• Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
• Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
• Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
• Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
• Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
• Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
• Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
• Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
• Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Pa.
 

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Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
• Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
• A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
• I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
• Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Brake company on the skids?
• Bra manufacturers that went bust?
• Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
• Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
• Baker who was short of dough?
• Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
• Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
• Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
• Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
• Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
• Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
• The train company that went off the rails?
• The ship building company that sunk?
• The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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... decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

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She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby.

I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car...

.., a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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They called them ferrous wheels.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.  In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

Submitted by Tom, Willow Pond Farm, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
 

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• I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
• I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
• My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor...

... as to whether the fare was 20 pence or 22 pence. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge.  The suitcase landed with a splash.

"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough that you try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my little boy!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
  

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
 

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• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop.
• Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
• Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Darn, there go the lights again...
• You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
• Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
• She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

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... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For $100, would you chop off another toe?"
 

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..., she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
 

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• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
• Stock up and save. Limit: one
• We build bodies that last a lifetime
• See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
• And now, the Superstore - unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
• Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
• When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.
• No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!
• Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
• Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.
• Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.
• You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
• Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
• You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
• 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
• When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
• Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
• While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
• For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.
• You keep losing dates on left turns.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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