Humor Selections for November 9th, 2013

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One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

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Famous Last Words

  • "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
  • "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
  • "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
  • "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
  • "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax." "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
  • "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
  • "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
  • "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
  • "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical
  • Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
  • "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organization in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
  • "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
  • "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
  • "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
  • "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
  • "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
  • "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
  • "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

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What things on your resume really mean
  • I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on prosaic. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
  • I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
  • I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft office.
  • I'm honest, hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
  • My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the mcjobs I've had.
  • I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
  • I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do tai chi in the lunch room.
  • I have a sense of humor: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
  • I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
  • I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
  • I'm extremely professional: I carry a day-timer.
  • My background and skills match your requirements: you're probably looking for someone more experienced.
  • I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
  • I am on the go: I'm never at my desk.
  • I'm highly motivated to succeed: the minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
  • I have formal training: I'm a college drop-out.
  • I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
  • Thank you for your time and consideration: wait! Don't throw me away!
  • I look forward to hearing from you soon: like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Late Night humor
  • NSA whistle-blower and traitor Edward Snowden, living in asylum in Russia, has released a manifesto directed at the United States claiming that telling the truth should not be a crime. And believe me, there's no better place to celebrate free speech, truth, and equal rights than in Russia. - Jay Leno
  • Members of "Duck Dynasty" are releasing their own brands of wines. Wine experts are saying that it's red wine with varmints and white wine with critters. - Conan O'Brien
  • In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I'm counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory. - Craig Ferguson
  • A school in Tennessee is facing criticism for separating students with bad grades from students with good grades at lunch. That’s crazy! You don’t use grades to separate kids. Everyone knows that kids should be separated by clothes, looks, and how much money their parents make. - Jimmy Fallon
  • According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof. - Jay Leno
  • Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa. - David Letterman
  • Today is one of my favorite days of the year — the day after daylights saving time ends. There is one negative. It marks the beginning of a four-month period of my clock on my microwave being an hour wrong. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • I just heard that the Kellogg’s cereal company is cutting 7 percent of its workforce because of low revenue. Or as one guy put it, "Not Grrreeat!" - Jimmy Fallon
  • According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare. This is my favorite part. Hand to God, this is the absolute truth. The White House said that the number six is not official. Really, aren't they better off saying nothing? Not official? What, if we wait it could go as high as seven? - Jay Leno
  • You have to turn your clocks back this weekend. You might think you're gaining an hour, but trying to get the clock back on that nail actually makes you lose an hour. - David Letterman
  • Mike Tyson is a vegan. Apparently, vegans can't eat meat or dairy, but it's OK to occasionally nibble on Evander Holyfield's ear. - Craig Ferguson
  • That same study also found that fruit has become the second most popular food in the U.S. The first most popular food in the U.S.? NOT fruit. - Jimmy Fallon
  • The president said he didn't know that we were spying on our allies. He didn't know about the problems with the healthcare website. Have you heard the latest? Now the president claims he doesn’t know how "Breaking Bad" ended. - Jay Leno
  • Scientists from New Zealand have discovered a new species of dolphin. They say it's delicious. - David Letterman
  • Some grocery stores refuse to sell eggs to teenagers on mischief night. Isn't that terrible? It makes me feel bad for well-behaved kids just looking to make an omelet. - Craig Ferguson
  • A new study found that 30 percent of Americans admit to getting most of their news on Facebook. You can tell news anchors are trying to compete with Facebook because tonight Brian Williams' top story was just a picture of his cat. - Jimmy Fallon
  • Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, "If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan." The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful. - Jay Leno
  • Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It's impossible, and everybody's furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won't get started. - David Letterman
  • You know who's known for playing pranks? George Clooney. He pulls pranks on movie sets. He played one on me once. It's a true story. Back in 2007, I actually paid 10 bucks to see "Oceans 13." You got me, George! - Craig Ferguson
  • Tickets for tonight's World Series game cost more than any baseball tickets in history. The average price was $2,000. So you could sell your car to buy a couple or grow a disgusting beard and pretend you are on the Red Sox and sneak in. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing. - Jay Leno
  • The Jonas Brothers have broken up. The music industry is in mourning. It's kind of like when the Beatles announced they were breaking up — minus the part where people cared. - Craig Ferguson
  • According to the National Retail Federation, around 158 million people will celebrate Halloween in the United States this year, down from 170 million last year. How does the National Retail Federation know this? I don't know if I am going to celebrate Halloween — but they do?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work
  • There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
  • If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
  • If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
  • We put the "k" in "kwality."
  • Two days without a human rights violation.
  • Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
  • We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try management.
  • Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
  • If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
  • Plagiarism saves time.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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How To Be Really Annoying
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  • Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
  • Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
  • Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
  • Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  • Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
  • Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  • Never make eye contact.
  • Never break eye contact.
  • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  • Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  • Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  • Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
  • Forward e-mails back to the person that sent it to you.
  • Go to the librarians and complain that somebody has touched your newspaper and you need your morning newspaper pristine and unread.
  • Demand lemon in the water from the water cooler. And ice. You must have ice.
  • Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting "Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who’d of thought it?"
  • Every time the clock strikes the hour shout "One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We are doomed!"
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  • Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  • Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
  • Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
  • Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  • Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  • While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  • Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  • Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  • Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  • Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
  • Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  • Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  • Wear a LOT of cologne.
  • Ask to "interface" with someone.
  • Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Mow your lawn with scissors.
  • At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
  • Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
  • Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
  • Steal a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  • Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  • Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
  • Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
  • Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  • Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  • Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  • Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  • When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  • Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
  • As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  • Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
  • Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  • Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  • Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
  • When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
  • Name your dog "Dog".
  • Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

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Misheard lyrics - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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October 10th Humor Page