Humor Selections for July 12th, 2013


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A man came home from work and found his three children outside...

... still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Submitted by Tammy, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity...

... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Submitted by Mike, Germantown, Md.
 

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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
 

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Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

  • Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  • Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify I put 'DOCTOR'.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit "the target."
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  • I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

Late Night humor
  • Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She canít even commit to being uncommitted. - John Oliver
  • President Obama is now in Ireland for the big G8 summit. Security for the overseas presidential trip is unbelievable. He has 14 limousines, trucks loaded with sheets of bullet proof glass to cover the hotel windows, and fighter jets flying in shifts. Thatís to protect the president. Joe Biden gets a pair of running shoes and a can of pepper spray. - Jay Leno
  • Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they canít find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating. - David Letterman
  • This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter. - Jay Leno
  • The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And itís not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, theyíre not allowed to drive over there. - Jay Leno
  • The NSA whistleblower revealed himself Ė Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend? - Bill Maher
  • Ever since the governmentís spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel í1984 have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, í1984 shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do. - Jimmy Fallon
  • Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. Iím not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. Weíve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya. - Craig Ferguson
  • Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started. The on-deck circle was a drum circle. - Jimmy Fallon
  • During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House. - David Letterman
  • Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans. - Jay Leno
  • Bad day on Wall Street Ė the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew O'bama shouldn't have come back home. I knew this was going to happen." - Jay Leno
  • This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone. - Jimmy Fallon
  • The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, letís get real. Arenít we all pretty much working for China? - Jay Leno
  • A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, ĎIím not racist. One of my best friends is white.í - Conan O'Brien
  • President Obama's approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he's lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back. - Jay Leno
  • The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975. - Jay Leno
  • President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven't seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact. - Craig Ferguson
  • A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to 'going through the motions' at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line. - Jimmy Fallon

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Signs You Are Getting Old
  • Your houseplants are alive, and you canít smoke any of them.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 6:00 a.m . is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  • You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
  • You watch the Weather Channel.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
  • Youíre the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door wonít turn down the stereo.
  • Older relatives feel comfortable telling whoopee jokes around you.
  • You donít know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
  • Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  • You take naps.
  • Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  • Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  • You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
  • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
  • You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  • "I just canít drink the way I used to" replaces "Iím never going to drink that much again."
  • 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  • When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no what the heck!"

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The nice thing about shelter dogs is they never give up! - Download Video

Submitted by Mike, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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And last but not least - Dedication and focus....

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