..., even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard

deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked

the fact that he was feared. ---To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the

rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.

And you know men won't ask for directions.'

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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• ... She had had a particularly rough day with her two boys, then aged nine months and three years.  When I asked her how she was, she replied wearily, "I don't know, Mom. I keep hoping I'm just the baby-sitter and that their parents will come home soon."
   
• Our daughter was filling us in on her date the night before. They had driven to a neighboring city for dinner. When her father asked her where the restaurant was located, she said, "You know, I really can't tell you. I was enjoying the ride, the company and the scenery, and all of a sudden we were there." "I understand perfectly," her father said. "That's exactly how your mother and I arrived at middle age!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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1. "Cookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."
2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in;________________."
3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?________________.
4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm
5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were known as the ________________.
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the ________________________show.
7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning our _____________.
8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?______
9. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s)did it go by? _______________ & ________________
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the ___________and the ____________.
11. In the seventies, we called the dropout nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties, they were known as ________________.
12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the short end of the stick in the television program, "The Life of Riley." At the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a ________."
13. "Get your kicks, ________________."
14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed________________."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:________________.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was called _________.
18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator strapped to their belts. But back in the sixties, members of the math club used a _________.
19. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about "the day the music died." This was a reference and tribute to _______________.
20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the front seat of convertible. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the________________.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best _____________________."
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model ________________.
24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill. " Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.
25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments was "Joe, the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off- center, but lovable character, _______________.(The character's name, not the actor's.)
26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called ____________.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.
28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical ______________.
30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo) was ________________. Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and ________________."

The Answers:

"Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb."

1. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in; drop out." Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders and corporate lawyers.
2. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone Ranger without his mask!
3. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."
4. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 was known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would like me to mention their names."
5. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.
6. Some who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their draft cards. If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.
7. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run." Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has Two Mommies."
8. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.
9. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.
10. In the early sixties, the dropout, nonconformists were known as Beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.
11. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."
12. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."
13. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent."
14. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:
15. shaken, not stirred.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. Today, it would get a PG-13 rating.
18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.
19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.
20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best....chooo-c'late." In the television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.
24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was Louis Armstrong.
25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.
26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex watch.
28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist was called the hula-hoop.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical "Hair."
30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.") Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
 

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• "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
• "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
• Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
• I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
• Back off! You're standing in my aura.
• Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
• I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
• Wait. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
• I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'm NOT stressed out. You're just extremely annoying!
• Have a nice day. somewhere else.

Go to Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't! I

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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Bumper Stickers Evolve & Election 2012

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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June 8th Humor Page