Humor Selections for Feb 14th, 2011

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The Commanding Officer at the Russian Military Academy

(the equivalent to a 4-star General in the U.S.) gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the long lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a World War III, Sir? And will Russia take part?"

The General answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy, Sir?"

The General replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked and a murmur was heard throughout the auditorium.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive such a battle?"

The General answered, "Just think about this for a moment : In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews, Sir?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity . . .

. . .. He was driving his partner nuts, as he looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife's up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner mumbled, "Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

Submitted by Crystal, New Market, Md.

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The greatest excuse for speeding

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Submitted by Peggy, Germantown, Md. 

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A Rabbi's advice

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

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Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable . . .

. . . The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

Submitted by Peggy, Germantown, Md.

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
  • The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  • A dog's parents never visit.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
  • Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  • A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  • If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  • A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  • If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
  • Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

  • If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you...

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You were expecting something mushy for valentine's day????

Did you forget this is site is run by a guy? And a married guy no less!

See what clever engineering can do!! - Download Video

Watch what a group of engineers did, using fun to get people to use a long Staircase with a moving escalator right next to it...

At first no one took the stairs, almost 97% of the people took the Escalator...

Notice how scientists changed how people reacted to climbing a long Stair Case as first choice...66% more people took the stairs...

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Amazing Scanning Electron Microscope Photos...

All these pictures are from the book ' Microcosmos,' created by Brandon Brill from London . This book includes many scanning electron microscope (SEM) images of insects, human body parts and household items.  These are the most amazing images of what is too small to see with the naked eye.

An ant, Formica fusca, holding a microchip

Surface of an Erasable Programmable Read-Only Memory silicon microchip

Eyelash hairs growing from the surface of human skin

Bacteria on the surface of a human tongue

The head of a mosquito

Head louse clinging to a human hair

Mushrooms spores

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Feb 2nd Humor Page