Humor Selections for November 19th, 2008

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This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering ...

....why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

  • Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
  • The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.
  • The smallest is the male sperm.
  • You use 200 muscles to take one step.
  • The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
  • Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
  • A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
  • A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
  • The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
  • The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
  • It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
  • The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
  • Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
  • At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
  • There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  • Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
  • The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
  • Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.
  • When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
  • Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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New Products For Tough Economic Times
  • A Mattress vault complete with slots and a combination entry on the side for those who do not trust banks.
  • A unique car navigation system that only shows nearby prices on gas stations.
  • For those camera-ready intersections, jamming device fires back a laser that makes your car license look like one off a Checker Cab in the photo.
  • Your phone ringer changes to say "Smartass alert" whenever a politician is sending you a message.
  • You mailbox has two slots, one for regular mail that is saved for you and one for junk mail that automatically sets them on fire.
  • "Bad program zapper" for your television that you control. When a bad show comes on, you press the button and a jolt is sent back to the station thus blocking out their transmission for an hour.
  • Dictionary for medical illness abbreviations. What's C.O.P.D.? What's E.D.? What's I.B.S.? This book will explain every abbreviation used on television advertising to not say the actual medical condition.
  • Having to again go through another trial of "O.J. Simpson Insurance". When you mistakenly turn on a story about O.J. on trial again, you get reimbursed for damages.
  • Too many experts. Are you tired of all of the political and economic experts telling you one thing and then the other, but you cannot understand any of it? You local Junior High School is setting up course for parents who should have learned these things in the first place.
  • Having to again watch George W. Bush on Television again deodorant. How can he look so calm when all hell has broken out? Because he’s leaving soon, that's how!
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Signs That Your Horse Trials Is Getting Rained Out:
  • Fiona’s British Thoroughbred says, ‘"I swam the English Channel and, by jove, I can jump this course, too!’"
  • Marsha checked and she’s getting credits for her Marine Biology Course just for being here this weekend.
  • Suddenly the bookies are giving great odds on the entries named Swim Jim, Fin, and Australian Crawl.
  • There’s an enormous trout in Phil’s horse’s stall and it’s saying, ‘"How does it feel when I invade YOUR space????’"
  • Your friend who rides pure dressage has stopped teasing you about 'all that crazy jumping’ and is now razzing you about not riding for at least half an hour after meals.
  • Apparently, ponies float like corks. Draft-crosses do not.
  • Jill had to scratch because her Arabian ran away from home. He left a note: ‘"Found mildew in my ears. Can’t take it any more. Going home to the desert. Please understand that it’s me, not you.’"
  • As your coach discusses the stadium course with you, he stops saying things like, ‘"the Oxer going away from the in-gate’" and starts using directions such as ‘"upstream’" and ‘"downstream.’"
  • The Best Conditioned Horse Award went to the horse who could hold his breath underwater the longest.
  • The wash rack with the backed up drain is now the driest spot on the grounds.
Submitted by Christy, Bucks County, Pa.

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New Stock Market Terms
  • CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
  • CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
  • Bull Market -- a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • Bear Market -- a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
  • allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband sleeps alone.
  • Value investing -- the art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E Ratio -- the percentage of investors wetting their pants
  • as the market keeps crashing.
  • Broker -- what my broker has made me.
  • Standard & Poor -- your life in a nutshell.
  • Stock Analyst -- idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • Stock Split -- when your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
  • assets equally between themselves.
  • Financial Planner -- a guy whose phone has been disconnected.
  • Market Correction -- the day after you buy stocks.
  • Cash Flow-- the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • Yahoo! -- what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • Windows -- what you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought yahoo @ $240 per share.
  • Institutional Investor -- past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • Profit -- an archaic word no longer in use.
Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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How to Fix your Printer ... Download Video (way too cute not to watch!)

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Guaranteed Fresh or your Money Back


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Nov 17th humor Page