• Son, you'd need a bodyguard in church.
• Shakespeare said it, sister. That's a double you see before you.
• Honey, why don't we get together afterwards 'n count our points?
• "Hey, big boy, what's that you got in yer pocket?"
• "That, ma'am, is ma jump overcall."
• Man, you aint in the pass-out seat, you're in the plain unconscious seat.
• That hand'd look no good after 5 drinks with the lights out.
• Course I drink and play. Gotta give y'all an advantage somehow.
• Y' caint fool me, honey, I know where your hearts is.
• Say, sweetie, you squirm in bed like that too?
• Son, you double us again we'll take up a collection for y'
• That king a spades smells so bad he caint a had a wash in a while.
• Ya always play like there's 53 cards in the deck, ma'am.
• You all come to this table, you count your blessings, not y' points
• Honey, y' don' wanna watch the slaughter, y' go an' see if there's a cold four-pack.
• Easier than brandin' a load a chickens.

Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white TV.

They told this story which President Reagan once told in public:

A soviet and an American are arguing about liberty in their countries:

The American says: You see in our democracy I have the right to go to Washington, To enter the White House, to smash open the Oval office door and punch the President desk and say "I don't like the way you’re running the country."

The Russian citizen answered: "We also have the right to go to Kremlin Citadell, to open the door and punch the desk of the General Secretary of the Party And "I disagree the way President Reagan rules the USA …."

Or

" Two Russians were standing in a long line to reach the butcher’s shop about 3 miles away The queue moving forward at a slowly pace Suddenly one of the Russian shouts "I am fed up with all this, it’s unbearable, I have to do something I am gonna kill Gorbatchev…"

"Hey are you nuts says the other Russian"

"I am on my way says the upset soviet." And he goes.

A few hours later he comes back in the row. His pal had only made a few steps forward and asked "Did you kill him?"

"No…impossible" answered his friend disgustedly"

"Why?"  Asked his friend

"The line is even longer this this one …."

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.