Humor Additions for May 25th 2005

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
  • I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
  • I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
  • I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
  • I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
  • I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
  • I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
  • I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
  • I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
  • I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
  • I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
  • I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
  • I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
  • I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
  • I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
  • I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
  • I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
  • I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
  • I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
  • I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
  • I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
  • I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
  • I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Submitted by Mike, Bolder, Co.

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"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
  • At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
  • Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
  • If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
  • Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies.
  • Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
  • It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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The greatest hunter since Elmer Fudd


May 23rd Humor Page