Humor Additions for January 12th 2005

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Field guide to being a guy:
  1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
  2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
    2. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
    3. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
  4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
  5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
    1. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident
  6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
    1. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns
  7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
  8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
  9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
  11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant idiots - low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).
  13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.
  14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
  15. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
  16. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
  17. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  18. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
  19. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
  20. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
  21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  22. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
  23. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
  24. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    1. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    2. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    3. Another set and we can hit the showers!
    4. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
  25. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
  26. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe ...

... and two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and his failures."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing ..."

Then the chief inhaled from his pipe, leaned back, slowly exhaled and watched the smoke rise into the air. With a twinkle in his steel gray eyes he ever so slightly smiled and said, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.

Submitted by Bill, of the Willys

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An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so."

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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