• The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
• People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
• The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
• The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
• In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
• Baptism is referred to as "branding".
• There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
• Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
• High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
• People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
• The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
• The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
• The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy

... and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine.

The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

1. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.
2. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.
3. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.
4. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.
5. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.
6. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue mentioned praying.
7. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.
8. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.
9. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.
10. No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.

Thus, the committee stated: "Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner", the Committee noted.

"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."

"Deed you did, father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have

tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great cathedral at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley; "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?"

"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her. "We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you."

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr. Is he here?"

"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle.