• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
• One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: New York.
• One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New jersey.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: Los Angeles.
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From montana, but driving in California.
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
• One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
• Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, prairie dog tails attached to antenna: Wyoming.
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

• You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
• You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
• You can say Hokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
• You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
• You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
• You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.
• You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
• You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
• You can make sun tea instantly.
• You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
• Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
• You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and Tlaquepaque".
• It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.
• Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
• Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
• You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."

• You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
• You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
• You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you have pure grit.
• You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
• You know what "regular" coffee is
• It's not Manhattan; it's the "city".
• You get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road.
• You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
• There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown."
• If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are....and east or west is "Crosstown."
• You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting the fact.
• You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth. You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and "real" bagel.
• A 500 square foot apartment is large.
• Your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as that same 500 square foot apartment of yours that takes only 35 minutes to get to and you think he's a sucker.
• You know the differences between all the different ray's pizzas. -you are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. announcement on the subway.
• You know who Dr. X is.
• You have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of.
• You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
• You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
• You know how to fold the New York times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
• You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with her self.
• You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
• You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
• You look forward to riding the subway to read the next installment of "Marisol and Julio".
• The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer.
• You may air heartfelt gripes and complaints about your city, but heaven help any visitors who dis' your city.

That's New York, baby! You gotta love it.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss." Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them: 1. Drinking straight out of a can. 2. Not sending thank you notes. 3. Velvet after February. 4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day

Southern girls always say: 1. "Yes, ma'am." 2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: 1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah." 2. "Well, bless your heart." 3. "Drop by when you can." 4. "How's your mama?" 5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's: 1. Rich 2. Richer 3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name: 1. Honey 2. Darlin' 3. Shugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: 1. "Gone With the Wind" 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes" 3. "Driving Miss Daisy" 4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say) 2. Richmon 3. Challston 4. S'vannah 5. Birminham 6. Nawlins' 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins: 1. Bad hair 2. Bad manners 3. Bad blind dates