Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.

The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the heck do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

A lady stood and walked to the podium......

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.......

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

• Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
• Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
• Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
• Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
• Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
• A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
• He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
• Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
•  It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
• Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
• When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

• The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
• First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
• You favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
• The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer house guest.
• Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
• Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
• Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
• You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front.
• The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
• You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.

The next day, the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off of it."

The day after that, the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.  I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

• The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
• First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
• Your favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
• The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer house guest.
• Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
• Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
• Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
• You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front.
• The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
• You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.

#She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

• The usual main star of the show is now called "a special guest-star".
• There are more commercials for drugs and medications than there is show content.
• The sponsors have left the show--all there is left are public service rowboat safety spots.
• You suddenly realize that the episode this week was the same as the one last week.
• You start seeing old reruns of "Roller Derby Babes" in the place of the crime/doctor drama you wanted.
• This week, it is on Tuesday. Next week it is on Thursday. Then the next week it is on Monday and Thursday.
• Suddenly it is put on against reruns of "My Mother, The Car".
• You realize that the blooper show you were watching was an actual episode of your show.
• It was decided that dead airspace was better than running new episodes of your show.
• Your show was being sponsored by Enron, Trac Auto and Worldcom.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"

The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."

So, t he man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.

Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky."

"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in

Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone.

The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat.

Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.

• One could attend in the nude and not get sniggered at.
• Psychopath or beauty queen—they all look the same to the instructor.
• Nobody knows if you cheat.
• No football or basketball games to go to.
• No running between classes on a frigid December morning.
• No mandatory PE classes to satisfy so sadistic state statute.
• Anything that happens in your house stays in your house.
• Every girl that emails you looks like Julia Roberts, every male looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.
• Your instructor could look like "Our Miss Brooks" or "Mr. Chips".
• Your wife could help you with the tests.
• You could be a valedictorian without leaving your bedroom.
• Nobody has ever heard of your school, but that’s all right, nobody has time to check it anyway.
• Your school used to be in the Big Ten. Now it is in the Big Ten to the power three.
• This sort of thing is spreading in the lower grades. Now it’s called "home schooling."
• You do realize that half of your school’s enrollment are socio-misfits, or just too lazy to attend a real school campus.
• The school president’s name is Al Gore. He’s there running the place because nobody outside of academia would believe him anyway.
• You also pay your tuition via email. Notice how fast the prices go up, just like the real schools.
• The head of the Psychology department is named Schickelgruber.
• The music department course consists of a download of MP3 music from pygmy tribes in Chad.
• The only team allowed is chess. You do not have to bulk up for it.

• Alpo looks good when you serve the dog.
• You cannot tell the difference between "Star-Kist" Tuna and "Nine Lives".
• You finish your dinner before you get it to the table.
• You find yourself searching through the neighbor's garbage can to see what he had for dinner yesterday.
• You watch over ten cooking shows in one afternoon.
• You have sent love poems to Rachael Ray.
• The local buffet quickly locks their doors when it sees you at the entrance.
• When you sit down, you need two chairs.
• You go to all of the pancake breakfasts and church spaghetti dinners within a 50 mile radius, just to get "all you can eat".
• You have outgrown your car five times in the past five years.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

• This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
   
• A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anemone like that, who needs friends?"
   
• A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

• "The body was found with its arms and legs dismembered, tied in a sack and floating in the bay. I’ll be back with more sports in a moment."
• "White Sox Mark Buherle finished signing a new four year contract today. What team will he be playing for? Details at Five"
• "Remember white sands and sunny beaches in beautiful Bermuda. But remember when you fly to Bermuda, be sure you take a plane."
• "The congressman was ill and reports are that the illness was caused by his—DEATH! We tried to reach him, but his office said that he was away for a while on a little vacation.(off mike) Who the hell typed this damned thing?"
• At a county fair in Arkansas: "Well while we are waiting for the main event to start, I better tell you about some other things that have been happenin’ around here, too. Now Charlie Haymaker, he’s from Hickory Grove R.D.---he had his nuts on display on the counter just beyond the center aisle."
• Now on ‘Want-ads of the air’ we have this advertisement from Springdale. There is a man down there who wants a man to take care of a kennel of dachshunds. He must speak German."
• Here is a lead-in for John Cameron Swayzee and the news: "Here is John Soloman Quazie and the news."
• Cleaners ad: "Ladies who come in and drop off their clothes will receive prompt attention."
• "In the wonder world of sports comes word that Yogi Berra, great Yankee catcher was hit in the head by a pitched ball. Yogi was taken to Fordham Hospital for x-rays of the head. The x-rays showed nothing."
• "Good morning ladies, we are going to prepare a dish that is easy to do and is guaranteed to please your husband, and it’s called Fricken Chickasee. Oh, I beg your pardon, that’s Chicken Frickasee."
• A bulletin that a group of dogs got loose from a dogcatcher’s wagon and raced crazily through the fields of a well-known tobacco plantation. "Friends, does your cigarette taste different lately?"

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"

"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply

'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

The barman placed his beer on the bar alongside a bowl of nuts.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'

Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws". Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?"