Peaceful holiday, peaceful life

Jefferson Breland

(11/2023) In September’s edition of this newspaper I briefly compared how nature prepares for the transition from Autumn to Winter with how humans prepare for this transition.

I noted, "Humans prepare for Winter by consuming large quantities of pumpkin-spiced products, counting the days until Christmas, and devising ways to avoid least favorite relatives at Thanksgiving."

A number of my past teachers of healing philosophies have shared this statement, "If you think you are enlightened, spend a week with your family."

As the Thanksgiving holiday is one of the busiest travel holidays, it is safe to say that many, many people will be visiting their families. So, it is also safe to say there will be many opportunities for us to test our levels of enlightenment for better or worse.

The goal of this month’s column is to help us have not just a more peaceful holiday, but a more peaceful life.

I used to think enlightenment was like a personal "big bang" in which one was suddenly enlightened, above it all. I now believe enlightenment is more like a dimmer switch in which we become lighter and lighter bit by bit. This also means that we can seem dimmer. Life is a continuum we move along. Some days we seem more wise snd some days less so.

Becoming wiser and perhaps more enlightened might be as simple as paying attention to what helps our life move forward and what doesn’t. I say "our life" because ultimately we only have control over ourselves. The potential to be our best self is always available. It always exists.

So, how do we become the best we can be? Especially when we might have a contentious family relationship.

If we pay attention to our ways of doing, being, and speaking and how our body responds to these, we can learn what helps and what doesn’t. We are always doing something, even if it is sitting "doing nothing." As long as we are alive, we are being, we exist. As for the speaking, at the very least we are thinking and we usually use words in our thoughts. If we are speaking, we are relating our understanding of the world around us.

How do we know what helps and what doesn’t? Our body will let us know.

In the presence of someone, do we tighten ourselves up? Does our breath become rapid, more shallow? Does our face feel warm? Do our shoulders rise up? Does our stomach tighten? Does our jaw tighten?

When we are around someone, do we breathe more deeply? Does our body relax? Do we smile? Are we able to think clearly?

Which is the helping? Which is the not helping? AND These are examples of just being around someone. Good Lord, what would happen if they should speak or do something?

Remember, it is unlikely we will be able to control the other person. Mom will be mom. Dad will be dad. Sister will be sister. Brother will be brother. Uncle will be… okay, you get my drift. They are going to be who they are. We can count on them being them.

We can choose to shift our ways of doing, being and speaking. We can choose how to respond to people or things that bother us.

There is a book I have found to be very helpful to me as well as a number of patients. It is called, "The Art of Possibility" by the husband and wife team of Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. One of the twelve practices in the book is called, "Being the Board." The board here refers to you being the game board, so to speak, of life.

I find it curious that I read the book about 14 years ago and I remembered the chapter title as, "Get Off the Board." I have thought of it as an enlightened version of "I am going to take my ball and go home."

It’s interesting that the concept in the book and my memory of it, while different, is fundamentally the same. I like mine because it is simpler. In my version, you simply refuse to play the game we might call "Upset." The first time I remember using this practice was about 13 year ago when my best friend’s sister-in-law started to piss me off.

My friend and I had been swapping funny stories from high school. I told one about my classmate, Red, who finally graduated when he was 21-years old. The in-law in question added her two cents. Twenty-one was too old for someone to be in high school. A 21-year-old was too physically mature and was a threat to the younger students.

I took the bait and began to explain all the reasons why she was wrong in this case. Red, while not academically inclined, was persistent, a nice guy, funny, not a threat to anyone because he weighed 120-pounds soaking wet, and he had multiple sclerosis to boot. The in-law dug in. She was adamant she was right and I was wrong. She had examples from her children's lives to prove her point. I was adamant that I was right and she was wrong. I doubled down defending Red and his right to go to school, his health, etc.

It wasn’t until Phil said, "This may not be the best time or place for this," that I realized the argument was pointless. She didn’t know what I was talking about and I had no idea where her opinion came from. Ultimately, it didn’t matter who was right or wrong.

It was in this moment I remembered the practice of "getting off the board." If I stopped speaking, she would have nothing to react to and vice versa. I was just as reactive as she was. Our "game" of "I’m right and you’re wrong" only existed because I agreed to play it and to continue to play it. So, I shut up. I did not speak to her for the rest of the day.

Not only did my being quiet help create more peace in the house that day, I chose never to engage in another argument with the in-law again. Curiously, this had the effect of her never even trying to argue with me again.

It really does take two to tango.

Now then, what about immediate family members you see everyday?

I wish you the same "miracle" I experienced. If you don’t play the "game," there is no game. Don’t add fuel to the fire. See what happens.

When you choose to not play the usual game of trigger and response, your family member may try to provoke you more. Actually, count on it. They will wonder what has changed, Why aren’t you playing the "game"? Why aren’t you being the usual you?

Remember, nothing is personal unless you choose to make it personal.

This is when you must stick to your plan. It is vital. It may get uncomfortable for a while, all significant change is. There are scientific studies about the neurochemistry of behavioral change which explain why you may feel physically uncomfortable. Trust that this too will pass, just as your family member will eventually get used to the new you. With any luck, their behavior with others may change. You might lead a family transformation where everyone is more peaceful with each other. Stranger things have happened.

It is pretty simple when one person is more peaceful, there is more peace in the whole world. We just need to remember that the choice is ours. We need all the peace we can muster these days. Choose peacefulness.

Jefferson Breland is a board-certified acupuncturists licensed in Pennsylvania
 and Maryland with offices in Gettysburg and Towson, respectively.
He can be reached at 410-336-5876.

Read past editions of Complementy Corner