DW rolls her eyes

Jack Deatherage

(12/2020) "I think I'll learn to make ginger beer." I announce as I sit back in the desk chair after several hours chasing through the interwebs.

Noises that sound suspiciously like- "Gods, not again" -drift in from the DW's computer station in the next room.

"And what started this?" She's standing in the room with me now and there is no mistake about what I'm hearing. Best to give it to her straight.

"Well, Ed-"

"I knew it would be Ed! Of course it was Ed!" Balor is warming up.

"Eh-hem. Ed didn't mention ginger beer." I begin.

"Then why are you bringing up Ed?" The DW's one good eye is jumpin' like spittle on a hot skillet.

"Well. He posted an article 'Ubiquitous Medieval Pig' on Facebook and I-"

The DW growls something about my spending too much time on the interweb and I should get my lazy self into something productive, such as earning an income.

Ignoring such negativity I plow on, "So I read the article and discovered the ancient Romans sort of revered the wild version of pigs and went looking to see how they may have prepared them for the table."

The eye rolling begins. "And what does that have to do with ginger beer?"

I have unlimited perseverance when story telling. "Well, reading the Roman menus I chanced upon posca and that brought to mind-"

"What's posca?"

I hesitate. "Do you really want me to go into that?"

She considers for a second. "No. Go on."

Too late. "Posca is Latin for vinegar. Though the historical record says it was a watered down wine vinegar, probably mixed with honey and herbs, given to the Roman legionnaires because it was cheaper than wine and sort of sanitized the drinking water with its acidity. You do know water in many of it's natural deposits has never been safe to drink?"

I consider how much more to tell her, but Balor is is beginning to glow.

"Anyhow, posca reminded me of the switchel that Brook Elliott mentioned- Remember Brook? He wrote for Mother Earth News and I bought some heirloom beans off him some years back."

More eye rolling- which is better than unleashing Balor of the evil eye!

"Anyhow, I started looking for switchel recipes because I was rather fond of the stuff I made for when we were working the big garden at Marty's."

"I remember that." She cools down a tad.

"So thinking about that time I remembered ginger beer needing a ginger plant similar to wine or cider vinegar needing a scoby."

"What? That slimy thing you kept in a jar of old wine in my cupboard?"

Crap. Balor is back.

"Not exactly the same, but close." I hurry on. "You liked the ginger beer I made 'Dark and Stormy's with, didn't you?" (A Dark and Stormy is a ginger beer with rum in it.)

"Some of them." She allowed. "Some weren't as nice."

"Well, I'm thinking I'll try my hand at making a few versions and see if I can get close to the one I liked (Schweppes) that Village Liquors used to sell when Ralph owned the store on the square."

The DW stared at me for an uncomfortably long time. "Really?"

"What?"

"You read an article about wild pigs in Europe and end up wanting to brew ginger beer? Your mind actually works that way?" She seems genuinely puzzled.

"Doesn't everyone's?" I'm confused now!

"Oh gods." She does a major eye roll. "What's this 'adventure' going to cost us?"

"Did I mention ginger beer is mostly nonalcoholic and probiotic?"

"Jack!"

"Yes dear. Umm... we already have everything we need from the wine and mead making adventures so I'm guessing ginger will be the biggest investment?"

Wrong choice of words there brainiac!

"This isn't a we adventure! And since when does anything you do turn into an investment?"

Checkmate. Best to ignore such negativity and soldier on!

"I'm still researching the process so I'll be awhile. I'm thinking I might grow ginger in the yard so I have it as fresh as possible. There are numerous varieties I could buy-" Crap. Another wrong word. I hurry on.

"And I'll need a ginger beer plant if I want to make authentic ginger beer. That would require either growing my own or acquiring one from a community of ginger beer makers that have been passing the plant along for more than a hundred years. Which will take even longer as I have to chase down some group willing to send me a plant."

"You haven't found a group yet?" Do I catch a hint of hope in her voice?

"So far I've only found a group called 'Gingerbeer'. It's in London and is made up of Lesbian and bisexual women. I'm thinking they might not be the group I'm looking for?"

"Sounds like a group I might-"

"What?"

"Never mind." She smiles, rather unpleasantly. "Just let me know what you're about to do before spending any money." (I've since found a source for a ginger beer plant that hails from Germany via Texas. $20, plus shipping)

"Yes dear. It'll be awhile. I want to do the experimenting upstairs where I can spread out a bit and I don't have to deal with dogs. Can't do that until Cousin Luke and the Mad One get back to traveling again."

"Okay." A smile spreads across the DW's face. "About the pigs."

Oh dear. Why do I know where she's about to go?

"Do you remember the HBO series 'Hell On Wheels'?"

"Umm... yeah." I knew it! I knew she was going there!

"What did they do with people that got out of hand?"

"Umm... fed their corpses to the pigs."

The smile widens. "And what did the farmer promise to do when you slip into the manure pit at the farm?"

"Urrr... he said he'd dump several loads of pig manure on me to be sure I rotted up completely." I'm smiling at the thought. "I couldn't ask for a better friend."

"Well, just remember he likes me better than you. The farm's pigs can turn you into manure before you go into the pit."

"Eh-hem. I'm aware of that."

"Ah." She laughs. "I notice you didn't use the sarcastic 'Yes dear'. See, you can learn without spending all that time on the interwebs."

"Yes dear."

Eh-hem. Due to a rather unpleasant reaction on the DW's part I decided not to mention learning to make sauerkraut, or getting back into meat curing, or back into egg noodle making using various expensive powders- spinach, Bulgarian paprika, cocoa and possibly Boletus edulis- to color and flavor the noodles. Hopefully, the assorted patches of scorched skin will have healed and some of my hair will have grown back by the time the upstairs apartment is vacant, and I've acquired a ginger beer plant to begin experimenting with. Tis going to be a long and interesting winter me thinks.