Bobble-heading through life

Jack Deatherage, Jr.

(10/2018) Billions of bits of fluff drift past and around me as I stare wide-eyed (when I'm not drifting off into a nap) at life, the universe and everything. Occasionally some particular bit of fluff catches my wandering attention and I pursue it until I've learned from it what I'm capable of before another floating bit catches my attention and I traipse off after the new. That I'm able to keep any subject in mind year after year probably says something about the importance, to me, of building the perfect bread and growing tasty food to eat with it. Such are the convoluted workings of the mind I have that I'm able to snatch at any random bit of fluff and bend it to either bread building, or growing vegetables.

Of late, Shaolin Monks have passed before me and caused a swerve in direction. From October 1972 to April 1975 I was glued to the idiot box (broadcast television in the days before the handheld 'Borg devices- iPhone/iPad) to catch each episode of the series- Kung Fu starring David Carradine. Unlike most of my drinking buddies I was more interested in the philosophical side of the show than the physical/warrior side. Not that I didn't play along at the drunken games of pretend Kung Fu fighting, but I was never good at them and usually hurt myself worse than whoever I was trying to throw, kick, or punch to the ground. Meditating on how to avoid getting pummeled made more sense to me, as did figuring out how to talk someone over the age of twenty-one into buying alcohol for us until I was old enough to legally drink myself into oblivion. I vaguely recall meditating while approaching a drunken stupor and deciding the whole process was better left to sober moments- which eventually arrived sometime in the 1990s. By which time I'd bobbled along after hundreds of bits of other fluff and had forgotten Kung Fu.

As I've aged, and grown some problems that can accompany growing old (mostly through my willful stupidity), my thoughts have turned to how I might correct those problems, if it isn't too late. And, as is always the case, the universe presents me with a solution. Not that the universe is trying to help me. I think it's more likely setting me up for a few weeks, months or years of comic relief. (Yes, the universe enjoys a good belly laugh as much as I do- especially when I'm the butt of the joke.)

Enter the Dragon in the form of a YouTube video documentary on the Shaolin monastery in China. I knew from the 1970s TV show that the Shaolin monks were vegans, but I always assumed they held that diet because of their philosophy rather than practical reasons. But the documentary explained their physical reasons for the vegan diet and bang a gong! I'm off to the state's public library system ransacking lists of books that might hint at the diet, exercises and philosophy of the Shaolin monks.

Of course I also head down to the tattoo shop and tell the pillar of this community what I'm fluttering off after this week. Naturally, Tattoo Don knows more on the subject of diets than I do.

"I'm not a fan of brown rice, but- if you can eat it, add it to your diet. It's loaded with natural forms of vitamins and minerals. It's really good for you."

So I'm not a fan of rice in general and particularly don't like the brown. But I do like the grass seed called "wild rice" so I cook the brown with the wild and discover I like them together- in a mushroom bouillon- with butter, which ain't vegan, but neither am I. And diced bell pepper. And with pulses. And sea weed. And... Well, there seems no end to what I can add to rice. (I can hear Diane, the Oklahoma Homesteader. "Oh, so now you decide to eat rice and beans after all the years I've been trying to convince you to give them a try?" To which I can only reply, "Yes dear.")

The Mad One weighs in (via Skype) from nearly half the world away. "This diet is all fine and well, but you do know American supermarket food has no nutritional value. You will have to start growing your own and you do not have a garden."

"Details details. Look," I tell her. (I feel a sharp pain in my lip. I'm not suggesting she stabbed another pin into the gray bearded doll she carries everywhere. I just find the timing odd.) "I have to start somewhere and adding veggies to my diet, even the sad stuff I have available, is better than the junk foods, pastas and store bought breads I've been eating."

We get into the why of my looking into the Shaolin monks and their diet. Simple enough. "I'm stiff, aching, overweight by nearly one hundred pounds, tired and forgetful. The monks' diet was created over centuries for practical, as well as philosophical reasons. In my case, that boils down to dropping hurtful weight and gaining energy by eating less harmful foods while adding more nutritious items- even if the veggies ain't up to the Mad One's, or even my standards." (OUCH! She must have slashed the doll's face with a cleaver!)

As diet changes body and mind, creating further changes, I'll begin the exercise routines, those few I can manage in my current condition- The Stalking Crane (standing on one foot for a second without falling over), Crouching Tiger (while clutching the phone in case I have to dial 911 for assistance in getting upright again) and the Water Buffalo Belly Flop (collapsing on the bed after an exhausting 10 second workout) followed (eventually) by the Porcine Wallow Roll (getting off the bed).

If I survive the diet and exercise, I may eventually turn my focus to meditation. I might have to as I've found I seldom nap now that starch from breads, pastas and processed junk aren't inducing several comas a day. Hell, I barely sleep at night. (Probably because of the caffeine I'll eventually have to eliminate from my diet.) Since bread building naturally lends itself to long minutes, hours, even days of not doing anything while dough ferments I could work meditation into the bread build!

Meditative Muffins, Resting Rolls, Patient Pizza, Contemplative Croissants, Benign Bialys, Wisdom Waffles. Yep I could get into meditation. Why I could even start my own monastery! It wouldn't be Shaolin of course, more like The Way of the Idiot. Novices would tend gardens and build breads while contemplating their place in the universe!

GODS! We could change the world if I-

Oooo. What is that peeking out from under the pile of stuff on my desk? Is that a dried up bit of rope sausage? I wonder what seasonings were used to flavor that? Hey, I should see if my KitchenAid mixer still works and maybe learn to use the sausage stuffer attachment? Gang way! I'm on a mission!