Growth is a result of kindness and honesty

McKenna Snow
MSMU Class of 2023

(1/2023) If someone gives you a dessert they made just for you, you graciously say thank you and take it home. When you taste it once you’re home, one of three things happens: you absolutely love it; you think it’s a good, average dessert; or, you taste it and find that it is no good, at least not to your subjective taste buds. The majority of it gets discreetly thrown away.

In the third case, the next conversation with the friend who gave it to you tends to be an awkward one. They ask what you thought of the dessert. Not wanting to hurt their feelings, and not wanting to lie by saying you loved it, you say cheerfully, "Oh, a pie like that didn’t last long in our house!"

Whether this is a good way to handle this situation or not, the clever response illustrates the difficulty of handling conversations with friends or loved ones that necessitate honesty and kindness at the same time.

A unique difficulty arises when such a circumstance involves having a conversation with a child. At first, one might think that such conversations might be easier with children than with adults, perhaps because there appears to be less at stake. Children don’t remember very well, do they? They’re not very good at reasoning yet, right? They definitely don’t associate you, their parent or teacher or older sibling, with conversations you’ve had with them.

All of the above is false. The reality is, children are much smarter than adults often give them credit for. Their memory is often much sharper than we realize, and often it doesn’t hold onto even big moments as prominently as it holds onto short conversations, brief reactions, and small gifts either given or received. Note that this also means they often hold onto adults’ disinterested reactions, belittling dismissals, outbursts of frustration and anger (especially when it is directed at them), and when it appears that something is more important than them as a person.

The point is, what we say and do for children matters to them. Whether we are honest or not when we talk to them matters. Whether we are kind or not when we talk to them matters. I argue that a good conversation with them about hard things is a composite of both kindness and honesty. In the case of honesty without kindness, a great deal of hurt can be caused, not only short term but also long term. Children remember instances when they are telling their parent or sibling about a "great idea" they’ve had, and when the adult shoots it down with the cold unamused reality of the idea’s uselessness. In such cases, the shooting down of the idea often shoots down the child’s desire to share anything with the parent, harming the relationship. Or, the shooting down of the idea also takes with it the child’s desire to be creative, since the last time they tried their invention or idea was so poorly received. Sometimes the shooting of the idea down takes both the trusted relationship and the desire to create and think with it.

The other case, kindness without honesty, is just as dangerous. The child’s idea might not have been shot down so harshly—instead, it was praised without criticism, encouraged without any dialogue. The problem with this dynamic is the adult’s failure to acknowledge the child’s need for knowing the truth. A parent who never tells the truth to a child insults the child’s right to reality. The child exists in the world and deserves to know himself or herself according to reality, not according to fantasy, fiction, or outright lies.

On the child’s side as well, the problem with this instance is that he or she will be unable to handle constructive criticism and will grow up entitled, believing all their ideas and thoughts are always "amazing." Further, this lack of dialogue and respect for their capacity to reason will result in the child having extreme difficulty engaging in critical thinking. Not to mention, the child might eventually realize that the adult was dishonest towards them, which consequently will hurt their relationship and leave the child feeling as though they cannot trust adults to have a genuine conversation with them.

Thus, children should be spoken to with kindness and honesty. They notice when one is honest, and they notice when one is kind. Conversations that have both can have a powerful and positive impact on them, through which they learn to trust and cherish the words of the adults they look up to. Moreover, they are able to truly grow from these conversations. Children can learn from these conversations that tackle difficult topics or are important to their processing.

Further, in cases of more whimsical topics such as whether unicorns and elves exist, it is important to allow the cultivation of one’s creativity and imagination so as to foster wonder for the world around them. However, the importance of raising children in reality doesn’t mean cut out all fairytale stories and fiction from their lives; quite the opposite. To paraphrase G.K. Chesterton, "Fairy tales do not tell children dragons exist. Children already know the dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be beaten." Let children dream and play; and tell them whimsical stories, and let them think up many of their own. But teach them how to appreciate and be inspired by such stories in right order with reality, allowing them to see the deeper truth, beauty and goodness of them.

Children need patience, engagement, and encouragement as they uncover the world around them. Some things they will have misshapen ideas about, and that is a part of being a child; here, however, the responsibility of the adult is to tell them the truth when they are wrong and give them the tools on how to think about it in the future. Honesty and kindness are crucial to any conversation with children. Certainly, such conversations that have both may be more difficult, but they allow for the child to grow and to have a greater respect for themselves, and for the adult who loves them enough to graciously tell them the truth.