The Point

McKenna Snow
Class of 2024

(4/2021) Dear reader, this article is especially and particularly crafted exactly and most directly to you as an individual. In it, I intend to persuade you. I feel very strongly about that which I intend to persuade you of, so read very carefully.

My reasons for this persuasion are numerous. First, they are important for showing to you that I have done my research on this particular topic, so that you take my argument seriously. Second, I list my reasons because people pay attention better when there are bullet points in a paragraph to follow. They like seeing first, second, and third points, so that when they’re reading, they can underline the most important clauses, so as to organize and pinpoint their thoughts on the subject better. Third, they help make the article feel more structured, organized, and well-thought out. The reader can follow it better this way. After all, if my argument was all over the place, and it never went anywhere, wouldn’t reading my article just feel like a huge waste of time?

I would certainly think so. Thus, the three reasons I have included above give you a good indication of why I feel the need to argue my point so precisely.

It is now imperative to stress that my point MUST be heard totally and clearly. If I did not tell you the point I was trying to get across, you would try to comb through the whole article looking for the actual argument I swore I was trying to make, and then you would never find it. Therefore, perfect clarity on the subject on which I stand and defend must be absolutely in the spotlight of this article at all times.

Moreover, it is important to note that this argument stands on the FIRM foundations of my emotions and subjective beliefs about this subject. Emotions are incredibly dependable when it comes to arguing your case. Further, emotions are really helpful in using your opponent’s empathy against them, so as to strengthen your cause. So please, take my argument to heart. If you do not, and you tell me that you’re not persuaded, I must confess that I will cry for several hours after our debate has ended.

Subjectivity is also crucial in my standpoint. Who needs objective facts when making their case for an argument, anyway? I don’t think Google fact-checks itself to ensure that every single source is 100% accurate; therefore, why bother citing "scientifically backed" sources, when your subjective opinion is worth just as much? And if this argument of mine wasn’t scientific-centered, Google could claim it was still a "professionally-reviewed" article in the field of whatever I was advocating for—but it wouldn’t make any difference. Professionals in an area compare just as validly to those with strong enough feelings about the subject, so fact-checking me is useless. My subjective opinion is basically fact, and if you say it is not and you are not persuaded because of my argument, then again, I will cry. It always makes me sad when people don’t agree with me on things—like literally, I cannot function if one of my peers disagrees with a belief of mine.

That is why you, my reader, my fellow peer, MUST believe that which I am stressing to you. And I cannot stress this enough. If you are not convinced yet, go re-read my bullet points up top. They really solidify my clarity and organization on the subject.

I also think it’s really important to never get off topic when arguing a point you feel strongly about—that is why I firmly stand here, on this topic, and I will not stray from it. I argue here and now, and implore you to read carefully what I am about to say, for my belief in—did you watch the Mount basketball games last week? They were so interesting! The Mount men’s AND women’s teams both won their NEC championship games. They were intense, interesting, and very uplifting. As a Mount student, I was proud when the teams of my school carved more victories into our University legacy. I watched the games at the student center on campus—there was a great turnout, and it was almost like being at the game in person, just without the actual teams playing in the building. So yes, the Mount sports games last week and this week were so entertaining, and our athletes work really hard.

Getting off topic is an absolute NO when writing a persuasive piece. You, the reader, must be locked in to my argument 100%, and I don’t want a single word of my piece to distract from that. And, I know exactly what I’m writing, and I don’t want my editor to change anything about this piece, so I’ve let him know that he’s not allowed to remove or delete any unhelpful or off-topic paragraphs in this essay.

Finally, a thesis statement usually provides a lot of clarity in an argumentative piece. As you can see in this essay, I definitely hit the nail on the head. This argument is so rock solid; it is untouchable. It’s so good it’s almost intangible in every way. It’s almost like if you looked hard enough, you couldn’t find it. That’s what makes it so rock-solid undefeatable. Not to mention, it’s grounded on subjectivity and my personal emotions. How do you retort to something founded on that? That’s right, you can’t. Good luck making a counter-argument to this piece.

In conclusion, this argument is so important. I hope by now you are on my side. It is important to remind you that if you are not on my side by now, I will be very sad. The stability of my emotions depends strongly on feeling validated and 100% supported in this argument of mine. Another point raised is that it is crucial to stay totally on-topic at all times in a persuasive argument as important as this one. Never, ever get off topic—and April Fools is here, so I was tasked with writing a ridiculous, wacky article for this edition of the Emmitsburg News-Journal. Thus, I argued just for the sake of arguing, and I hope you see my point now.