To my mother

Joseph Carlson
MSMU Class of 2025

(5/2022) I did not, nor do I, deserve you. That was the point, wasn’t it? That I should grow up only knowing grace, only knowing the unconditional love which is the very reason for my existence? That I would have the joy that comes from gratitude for being loved gratuitously. I didn’t do anything for you, Mom. I wasn’t an investment, at least not a good one, because for all that you’ve done for me, I will never be able to give you that time and effort back. Even when, God willing, you are old and gray, and I am taking care of you, that cannot compare to what you’ve done for me. I would not exist without you, and all I am beyond that would not exist either. You formed me, Mom. I grew up with the expectation that the point of life was to give selflessly, that the point of parenting is to love your children with your whole self. Thank you.

Someday I will be a parent. I am happy at that but terrified, because I know that every little virtue and every little vice I manifest will be a lesson to my children on how they ought to conduct themselves.

That is the peculiar thing, of course, that many of my vices now are the same sort of ones you struggle with. In the grand scheme of all that you have given me I have only to be thankful, but I certainly did get your stubbornness. It did not always make for the most cohesion in the house between you and me, but truly, there was never a moment when I doubted that you would forgive me. It drives me to want to make up for all the wrongs that I’ve done. You often pop the bubble that is my ego, and thank God for it. Mom, you never deserved the slander I accosted you with when I was younger. If there is anything that will be your greatest merit in Heaven, it is the abuse you took for my sake.

Your heart is always so open. You are a testament to the truth that, in order to love someone, you don’t have to understand them completely. We’ve worked on it since, but there is even still a sort of gap in our understanding of each other, although it is so much narrower than before. Your heart, still, was open to my desires, my hurts, my feelings, my ambitions, and in it, they were always accommodated. You never capitulated to what I wanted when you knew or thought it was wrong, thank goodness, but you still cared.

Only God knew that when you had me we would have such opposite personalities in so many ways, all of us in the family. Yet, He knew what He was doing, because now, as a unit, there is almost no virtue that all of us lack. For almost every moment one of us is irrational, another one of us is rational. For every moment that one of us went astray, the other would pull them back. Whenever you grew, I grew, and when I grew, you grew; and you let it all happen. Children are expected to learn from their parents, but you decided that, even though what you could learn from me was miniscule compared to what I could learn from you, you would learn from me still. Even though I was difficult to understand, you spent so much time investigating, reading, and attempting to know how to love me better. And even when your solutions weren’t exactly what I thought I needed, the love you gave me was certainly what I needed.

That’s the thing; moms are just people too, people who have decided that they will devote their entire lives to a particular group, a family. You could have fallen short, Mom. You had your own baggage, suffering that had to be set aside every single time I needed anything. Yet, you never hesitated. I wouldn’t have picked a different mother for myself had she been even more virtuous than you. There is no doubt in my mind, even though you didn’t always fully understand the particulars of what you were to do, that the greatest parts of who I am came from your unconditionally love for me. You’ve done your duty, and well.

But I know that it was never just a duty for you; I know that you did it so well because you did it solely for my sake, out of love. When there was a choice to be made between my good and yours, never, not once, did you choose yourself. When you knew I needed you, you were there. Thank you, Mom.

The joy of being your son has come most of all, not only from the wonderful love you’ve shown me, but from getting to know you as a human being, a person with her own personality, dreams, desires, hurts, fears, and loves, just like me. The divisions between many children and their parents occur often because they do not see each other in this way. You have often told me how proud you are of me and my siblings. You never cite our accomplishments, although you are proud of those. You always simply said that you are happy to have known us so intimately as people. You love us for the particular persons we are, and this is now what I most look forward to when I someday am a parent. You reminisce about what it was like when we were children, but in the context of who we are now, and you’ve told me that it is even better to be my mother now that I am grown than then. You love me, you’ve always loved me, and I have never doubted it. Even in moments of pride, of fear, I’ve always known that you love me, and I love you. Thank you, Mom.

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