Ti Voglio Bene

Harry Scherer
Class of 2022

(7/2020) I don’t know Italian. For many reasons, I wish I did. One of these reasons is the wisdom that is enshrined in some of their common phrases. On the topic of friendship, the first one that comes to mind is ti voglio bene. This is the way Italians say, "I love you." Literally translated, it means "I want the good for you."

This mellifluous phrase is one that bears much meaning for both the speaker and the receiver. By uttering these words, the speaker promises that, in every circumstance, he has desired, desires and will desire the good to come upon the receiver. As a response, the receiver is in a position of gratitude and debt for this desire that, hopefully, transcends time and space.

There are deeper implications for this phrase, though. Our culture seems hesitant to mention some of these more impactful meanings because of our sincerely misunderstood perception of the nature of true love. Bumper stickers on cars and storefronts bearing the apparently novel idea that ‘love is love’ indicate that any person who disagrees with the questionable political motives behind such a statement can be rightly identified as a bigot, or at the very least socially backward. Ti voglio bene says, on the other hand, that the true meaning of love means seeing other persons not as the world sees them and not even as they seem themselves, but as they truly are.

The bene of this phrase is a mysterious reality and one which should make anyone who says or hears it question its nature. This ‘good’ is intimately close and absolute, unchanging across times and cultures. When someone says that they want the good for someone else, then, he seems to mean that he desires that the other will always recognize and choose the good. Whether he does this or not, the speaker stands firm in his position that he will always love the other, no matter their place in life or the decisions that led to that position.

This is my understanding of a true friendship. The friend will always look at that special equal with the eyes of respect and love. A true friend seems to be the best way that human persons can embrace the two truths about their nature; when a friend looks at a friend, he should see at once that he is made in the image and likeness of God and is therefore very good and that he is "dust and to dust he will return."

Our modern English use of the word friend comes from the Middle English usage frend. Etymologists say that this older usage is akin to the Old English fr‘on, meaning to love and fr‘o, meaning free. The notion of friendship, then, cannot be separated from love and freedom. Let us not confuse this occupation with love and freedom with the modern understanding of "free love." This phrase confuses both true love as that which desires to bind itself to someone and true freedom as that responsibility to do the good. Free love, in the modern conception, is an uninhibited release of emotion and hormonal stimuli, as opposed to the freedom to volere bene.

A friend makes the other recognize the unrepeatable identity that he can offer to God and to the world. At the same time, the friend sees himself as a helper for his partner in this short examination of life. The friend knows that the other will fail and fail often. This fact does not disturb or discourage the friend because he knows that he is just as capable of the same level of incompetence or malice. When one thinks, speaks or acts rightly, his friend is encouraged and is reminded of his own ability to act in the same way. When one thinks, speaks or acts wrongly, his friend sees his own shortcomings and prudentially offers a helping hand.

One of the other indications of a true friendship that has helped me discern who my true friends are comes from Dr. Jordan Peterson. He says that when someone tells his true friend some good thing that happened to him, his friend will celebrate with him and will not bring up some good thing that happened to him and make his friend feel like this good experience is merely a common occurrence in his own life. In the same way, when one tells his friend something bad that happened to him, his friend will listen and will not attempt to solve all his problems with a few statements that he just knows his friend has been desperately needing to hear.

It would be silly to suggest that all of these notions of friendship that I have been describing are in any way novel or unique; they have all been tested through the rigors of tradition by persons who have thought about and lived out these friendships. As we know, some of the most revealing parts of one’s life can be during times of suffering. One 17th century poet named Jean de Rotrou wrote "L'ami qui souffre seul fait une injure a l'autre", meaning "the friend who suffers alone insults the other." Rotrou, who lived through the French plague of 1650, experienced the meanings of friendship and suffering in light of his own death, that point in life when persons see things as they truly are.

This imperative to see our current experiences through the light of tradition, then, is especially important in our own age. When the implications of modernism and the Marxism that came from it can be seen most clearly, we need to look back to the silent teachers of history for guidance on how to forge the paths of our personal relationships. In our hyper-individualized society, we need to intentionally recognize and embrace the merit of true friendships as those relationships which strengthen us in light of adversity and, perhaps more importantly, vivify the friend in times of joy and sorrow.

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