Father of none

The saying "it takes a village" is often misunderstood. The community should not bear the weight of raising children in place of parents. However, to assume that only a parent will have an impact on the child is an assumption that takes for granted the relational aspect of human life. I am greatly impacted by the community in which I was raised, even if no one made it their goal to influence me in that way. It would also be na've to assume that two parents by themselves can handle the weight of a child’s entire life. There are some things that parents can’t do. This is no fault of the mother or father; we cannot be all things to all people all the time and possess all the knowledge necessary for every situation.

There are somethings you don’t want to talk to your parents about; dating, for example, requires a different role and a different person. This is where I can become a sister to girls I share with whom I share no blood relation. This is where men can be brothers, fathers, friends, and sons. The family may be nuclear, but it is not an organism that lives separate. It is in conjunction and communication with the world around it.

I am never just one thing. I am a composite of relationships past and present that have shaped me, for better or for worse, based on the role that I played. Over the course of time, I can be a mother, sister, daughter, and friend to the same person. Sometimes I need the loving guidance of a mother; sometimes I have that loving guidance to impart on someone else. Other times, I am just a friend or a sister, equal in the amount of wisdom we have to give and take from each other.

While these relationships are especially obvious between the same genders, it can be equally important across the sexes. However, it can be harder. I can list the men who have served as a father to me without being my biological dad: teachers, priests, and mentors come to mind. However, those relationships have been immensely more difficult than my relationships with metaphorical mothers. It requires a type of openness, honesty, and vulnerability to allow yourself to be fathered as a woman or to be mothered as a man. As a woman, it is harder to perform a motherly role towards a male instead of a female. I don’t know why, but I think I can guess.

In female to female relationships, I know the type of knowledge she is looking for and I know the type of wisdom I have to provide. These either match, or don’t match. For example, when a female friend is going through a breakup of any kind, I know I have experiences that have given me wisdom I might be able to give her and I’m familiar enough with the female mind to know what she most likely needs right now.

With men, I have absolutely no clue what a man might need or want in any situation. It is the age-old story of women confusing men and men confusing women. "I don’t understand you," we say to each other. "You don’t make any sense." This is all true. There is a greater unknown in dealing with the opposite gender than there is in dealing with the same and with the unknown comes fear and with fear comes doubt. This is a topic that has come up in many of my courses over my almost two years here at the Mount and it’s one I continue to wrestle with. As social creatures, when relationships are hard, life is hard. It’s an important facet of our lives that deserves discussion.

My parents raised three daughters and two sons. I love my father. I also know that when it comes to my mind and emotions, he has absolutely no idea what to do. My mom can guess since she, too, was a teenage girl with a flair for theatrics. But my dad is lost, as any father would be. The same can be said about my sisters and the same can be said about my mom towards my brothers. As relational creatures, it can put a lot of stress in our lives when our relationships aren’t easy—and they never are. Despite our similarities, we can never truly understand each other because we can never truly know each other, not fully and completely. There is always a part of us hidden, even to ourselves. It is this unknown that makes relationships complicated and with the more unknowns, there are arises more complications.

So, when we look at our world and see daughters wounded by fathers and sons wounded by mothers or any combination of these, we aren’t surprised. Deeply saddened, but not surprised. What the human heart seems to be in longing for is guidance. Knowledge. Understanding. In these moments of need and confusion, I turn to the people around me. For advice, I go to friends. For mentoring, I go to professors. For love, I go home. But we would be denying ourselves a fundamental part of our lives if we were to close ourselves off from the relationships we have with others. Fatherhood and motherhood are necessary parts of human life and they are not limited to only those who we share biology with. We can be fathers and mothers to those around us. We should be fathers and mothers to those around us.