Science of love
Emmy Jansen
MSMU Class of 2023
(2/2022) It’s 2020, on a warm December night. I’m sitting in my office chair at the front desk of the assisted living facility I work at in Central Virginia. It’s a slow day, since there are no visitors for me to check in and out as they visit their family members. The phones seldom ring during the dinner hour so I pass the time between calls with a book propped up. Every few pages, I scribble some profound thought verbatim onto a sticky note and wedge it between the sheets of paper. A nursing attendant much older than I am walks by on her way to retrieve a resident for his nightly shower. She glances over the counter and asks me about what I’m reading. "How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk", the cover screams in bold, colorful letters, announcing my past predicaments for the whole world to see. "You’re too young to know anything about that," she states without question, before joking that she should borrow the book when I’m done due to
her most recent divorce.
I will admit that it was a very strange experience to read a book about relationship advice when I haven’t even been in the relationship scene for five years. It felt a little presumptive. So many other people have experienced bad relationships much older than I am now, how can I attempt to avoid all of those at nineteen? Those are life shaping experiences that make you into the person you are, am I really too scared to face them?
The fact is that I was given the book by force, not by choice, after a very toxic relationship and I didn’t actually finish it until August of 2021: I started dating another ‘jerk’, the technical term from the book, in early 2021 and didn’t like recognizing his actions within the pages so I simply ignored them. It was an immensely helpful book, not just for my romantic relationships but in understanding how humans relate to each other. It covered how childhood and early family life impacts the adult, the cycle of relationships over time, and how to combat issues while in a relationship. So I highly recommend it to any person interested in strengthening their own relationship, in a period of waiting, or to anyone suffering from past romantic experiences. I think you can only benefit from this book.
When I sat down to write this article, I was thinking about the emotion of love. I could tell sweet stories of friendship, relate advice from older couples, or craft the story of my parents’ marriage for you. But, of course, when it came to it, all I could think about was the science of love, how relationships form and the emotional intelligence involved in bonding. Dare I say that everyone has experienced some form of love in their life, whether from family, friends, strangers, or romantic lovers. I won’t spin you a sappy tale you already know, then. But how does ‘love’ work? Because at times, it seems all but magical.
There are different ways to experience love. One of the most interesting things I’ve learned about love is the five "love languages" that each person experiences to a different level: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gift giving. Your dominant mode of affection is the way you prefer to give and receive love. When someone claims that their partner doesn’t love them or won’t show it, their partner actually might be showing them love in a different way than they’re used to. I’m a major words of affirmation person, but I once dated a guy who had that as his lowest mode of affection. He absolutely hated complimenting me or expressing his feelings because his dominant mode was quality time. In his eyes, his actions spoke louder than words ever could so he didn’t need to repeat himself by telling me everything he’s already shown me. Unfortunately, we couldn’t reconcile this and our relationship ended, but partners frequently can
adjust to express and receive love in the most adequate ways. When you’re aware that someone’s love language is physical touch, you might congratulate a big accomplishment with a hug instead of with words of praise because the physical aspect will be more powerful for them in receiving your love.
But the experience of love is still broader than that. In dorm conversations, I realized that we desire different things from love and affection. My roommate was attracted to the type of guy who would tease and joke with her, because that was how her parents had showed each other affection growing up. I wanted a guy who would make me laugh, and not a girly giggle, but true gut laughter. That had always been how my family said "I love you." We’re all on this journey, but we’re taking different paths.
But what reading this book showed me most of all is that at the end of the day, all we truly want is to love and be loved. I heard a priest in a homily say, "Joy is being with the ones you love and knowing that the ones you love are cared for." We get happiness and security from our core sense of identity, but our relationships give us joy because we experience the happiness of ourselves and someone else. I’ve often heard the phrase, "Find someone who completes you," but this infers that by ourselves, we are not whole. This idea is false, and anyone who believes it should read the above mentioned book. In reality, love is finding someone who makes you feel more whole even when you’re by yourself. You become more yourself when you’re loved and give love completely and entirely, whether that be romantic, platonic, or familial. So, give some love today in all of the different modes and see yourself become more whole without having ever been incomplete.
