No time like the present

Dolores Hans
MSMU class of 2025

(1/2024) Upon reflection of this past year and my awareness of all the things to come in the next, I know now more than I ever have that I need to make a resolution to live in the present. All my life I have spent reflecting or dwelling on the past, with anxiety while looking forward to the future. The present never seemed adequate. There was either a better moment in the past, or a potentially better moment in the future. The truth is, however, that where I am right now, is exactly where I am meant to be. I am missing it because I’m too busy romanticizing what’s to come, or feeling the pain from my past even if it is something I no longer have to feel. I used to pray for a man who would love me, not only because of all the fun adventures we could go on together and all the hugs and support, but because I felt so unloved for most of my life. Now, I have that man that I prayed for, and I have never felt so much love in my life; yet, for some reason, it isn’t enough. It isn’t enough because now that I have him, I’m thinking about our future together. Constantly! I will actually become angry at the fact that we aren’t married yet, and I must stop myself (or more accurately, he lovingly stops me) and recognize that where I am right now and what I have, is what I used to long for and pray for, and that this is where I am meant to be for now. I have to be grateful for the present.

I am so excited to have backyard barbecues and camping trips with my friends when we all have our own families, but I am too quick to miss out on opportunities to make memories with them now, while we are all together on campus.

I am dwelling on and actively feeling the hurts from my past, instead of allowing myself to create space between who I am in the life I live now, from that of my past. Instead of working to heal my wounds, I just reopen them and live through it again, causing me all kinds of hurt.

There are so many things that I look forward to this upcoming year, and I don’t want to spend those moments in anything less than pure bliss and joyful anticipation. In January I start my second semester of junior year, and as a Special Education/Elementary Education major, I will be beginning my internship in Frederick County. This is a very special opportunity, and I don’t want to take it for granted. Being a teacher isn’t my dream job, but it is something I feel is absolutely an essential part of who I am and how I love. I am not a very career minded person as most people are, but I’ve always been able to see the deeper beauty in teaching children. This experience will help me grow in so many ways, and I want to embrace that, not hide from it, because it will be a challenge.

In April I celebrate my two-year anniversary, which is insane because I feel like I have known and loved him for at least five years. With another big milestone in the books, it will be really easy for me to look forwards to the future and fall back into my patterns of jealousy (of engaged couples) and resentment (towards all the things that prevent it from being the right time). But I need to look at these two years and realize how time has gone by so quickly and be thankful that I have him and that we have been able to make so many amazing memories since we met.

In May, my oldest brother is getting married, and he hired me as the photographer. I am so excited to get another wedding in my portfolio, but I also must remember that he is my family, and this is the "end of an era" as people say, because we are no longer children sharing our lives under the same roof and same family. I want to make sure that I am present at the wedding, not just as the photographer to take photos—because that is natural to me—but as his sister, coming out of my shell, enjoying myself, and treasuring this time that I have with him and all of our family. As an introvert and an observant person, I love photography because the purpose is not the be the center of attention. I can hide behind my camera and choose not to be social because my job is to capture the fun, heartfelt, momentous, and intimate moments throughout the event. But I need to remember that I shouldn’t hide at my own brother’s wedding. I need to be courageous and lively, as well as take beautiful photos.

In June, my other older brother is getting married. I know, it’s going to be hectic in my household (even more than it usually is as a family of ten). In his wedding, I am a bridesmaid. I have never been a bridesmaid before. I’ve been a flower girl a couple times, but this is different. I am an adult now. As I mentioned before, I am naturally an observer, so coming out of my shell and living in the moment full of joy is something I need to work on.

Next fall begins my senior year, and Lord knows I have a lot on my plate. It can be so easy to be overwhelmed by the unknown. But life is full of uncertainties, and that is something I have to accept. It is something I have to learn to see in a new perspective, so I can embrace it with hope and resilience instead of fear. I also need to remember the good times of my childhood, rather than everything that went wrong. My past is past. Every day is a new day to grow in character, learn truth and reason, and witness beauty. Knowing this, I can start changing my mindset to live in the present moment.