What is friendship?

Angela Guiao
MSMU Class of 2021

(7/2020) When I was younger, I moved around a lot. I enrolled in six different schools before I even reached high school. This meant having to learn how to make friends pretty quickly. I used to consider myself lucky if I had the same group of friends for two school years in a row.

Summers made having friends even harder. Without the excuse of school, I had no way of seeing any of my friends. And we didn’t have a house to invite them to. Eventually, I used summer as an excuse to slowly drift away from some of my close friendships. As a result, I never knew what needed to be done to maintain friendships.

Sometimes, I’d see videos of elderly best friends having breakfast or going on friend dates together. I used to wonder whether I’d ever have a friend like that, one that I’d still hang out with when we’re older. Or if I’d ever find a friend who’d understand me so well, they wouldn’t mind a few summers apart.

My freshman year of high school, I met Luis. We kind of stumbled upon each other because of mutual friends, but we sort of just clicked. My mom had promised that I would stay in one high school for all four years, so I was excited when I found out how much we had in common. At first, we’d just have lunch together. Eventually, we were walking each other to class. Then we started to hang out after class. For the next four years, we’d become the best of friends. We spent every minute together, in fact, we spent so much time together that people thought we were dating.

But we weren’t.

I grew up Catholic. Roman catholic, in fact. My mom was very religious, and at the time the beginnings of the LGTBQ movement were just starting to form. Luis was gay but hadn’t come out yet. We both came from working class families, and both our parents were first generation immigrants. We had a lot in common, and we had the same struggles. The only thing that could possibly break us apart was the fact that he was gay and that I was Catholic.

Luis finally came out during our Junior year. He didn’t change much. It wasn’t like how it’s portrayed in the movies. He just became less stressed, happier even. He spoke more freely, moved more openly. I was happy for him.

By this time, we had been friends for 3 years. He and my mom had gotten pretty close. So close in fact, sometimes he’d go to her whenever he had a problem. It was really important for him to come out to her.

So, one day after school, he waited for me after tennis practice and drove me home. He bought a bouquet of my mom’s favorite flowers, and we waited until she got home from work. I remember how nervous he was, and how I sat on the couch wondering what I would do if my mom said we couldn’t be friends anymore. In church, I’d hear some people talking about "praying the gay away", and I wondered whether that would be what she would do.

When she finally got home, Luis sat her down and told her.

There was pause. A long one. For a second I wasn’t sure whether she was going to scream or cry or laugh. It seemed like everyone was holding their breath, just waiting for her to say something.

And when she finally did speak, she said "’Love each other as I have loved you.’ That is what God says. So that is what I’ll do." And she gave Luis a big hug, and Luis cried. Just like in the movies.

Being friends with Luis taught me what it was like to love unconditionally, for no reason at all. I love my mom unconditionally. I love my family unconditionally. But there is something special about unconditionally loving someone who comes suddenly into your life, with no connection at all. After Luis, I decided to love everyone I meet. Not the way you’d love your spouse, but the way you’d love your parents. Be open, be clear. Love fully despite the flaws, despite their wrongdoings. Forgive, understand, put in the effort.

What started as a simple lunchtime friendship is now an eight-year companionship and still going strong. Luis has been there for every single milestone in my life, from when I first started driving to when I finally decided on my major. He found a good paying full time job and has recently started taking classes at night. He is the most hardworking person I have ever met.

These days, when I think of friendship, I think of Luis. I think about how he still texts me every single day to complain about the weather. I think of how every single Valentine’s Day he sends me flowers, and how every birthday, he’ll scrape together enough money to take me out on a date.

I think about how much effort he puts into our friendship, and it makes me wonder how many friendships I’d have like Luis’s if I had only put in more effort.

A few days ago, I asked my mom why she didn’t send Luis away when he came out to her. And she said, "I’ve always been a good mom to you, right? I always try to give you everything you need. And I always try to give you the best that I can give you. You needed a friend, and I knew Luis would be the best friend for you."

I am eternally grateful to have a friend like Luis. He taught me to love no matter the background, no matter the disagreements, no matter the differences. He understood me, and he makes an effort every day to show me how important I am to him. He’s taught me so much. All I can hope for now, is that one day I’d be as good a friend to others as he is to me.

Read other articles by Angela Tongohan