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 Marriage
& Religion
Rev.
Vincent O’Malley, C.M
Etymologically, the root of the
word “religion” means to bind.
Religion binds us to God, and to
one another.
God enters into married life.
When a man encounters a woman
with whom he wants to spend the
rest of his life, it is a grace
from God. Similarly, when a
woman encounters a man with whom
she wants to spend the rest of
her life, it is a grace from
God. Many people go through life
wishing to be married, but never
meeting the right person.
Finding that right person truly
is a gift from God. I ask
couples preparing for marriage
to identify explicitly what
characteristics of the other
person singled out that person
from the hundreds if not
thousands of other members of
the opposite sex whom people
might meet at school, church,
work, at the beach, or in a bar.
Thousands of other persons have
decided not to marry that
person; what have you perceived
in that person that makes you
desire to marry that person?
Name the grace; describe the
traits that you think are
unique, and that you uniquely
see. Write down what you
perceive in this person. Most
married persons probably wake up
some days, and wonder, “What
have I gotten myself into? Why
did I ever make this
commitment?” And on days like
those, it is important to
remember that original grace.
For that reason, write down the
grace that attracted you and
holds you to your intended
spouse.
Jesus enters into married life.
Marriage, when celebrated in the
Catholic Church, is a sacrament.
In the exchange of vows, it is
not just the couple who promise
to be with each other for the
rest of their lives, but Jesus
too becomes present in this
marriage. A Catholic marriage is
made not just between two
persons, but among three
persons: husband, wife, and
Jesus. Jesus, through the grace
of the sacrament, promises to
support the couple in good times
and bad times, in sickness and
in health, till death do you
part. Jesus is a third person, a
third party to the commitment.
His presence is sacramental,
i.e., spiritual and effective.
In
the early 1980’s, the Knights of
Columbus funded a grant which
studied the mores of Catholics
in the USA. Granted, over the
past twenty years, the
percentages may have changed
regarding the mores, but I
suspect the changes are slight,
not significant, and point to
trends rather than fluctuations.
One of the sociological findings
was this: Catholic marriages had
the same divorce rate as
non-Catholic marriages, which
divorce rate exceeded fifty
percent, unless the couple went
to Sunday Mass each week, in
which case the divorce rate
plummeted to 2%. Further, if the
couple prayed together each day,
the divorce rate dropped down to
one-tenth of one percent: 0.10%.
This information is astounding
when compared to data that
first-time marrieds currently
have a divorce rate of 54%,
second-time marrieds have a
divorce rate of 73%, and
third-time marrieds have a
divorce rate of 93%.
In conversations with couples
preparing for marriage, I say
clearly, “Do you want this
marriage to last?” The rosy-eyed
couple replies affirmatively,
and enthusiastically. Then I
add, “If you want this marriage
to last, you will both be at
Mass each Sunday. If both of you
are not at Mass each Sunday,
then the odds are more than
50-50 that this marriage will
not survive.” A safe bet is that
a Catholic couple who do not go
to Mass each Sunday, will not
last in their married life.
Why does Mass have such an
impact on married life? Going to
Mass each Sunday may seem to
some people to have little
impact week to week, but over
the years, the impact
accumulates.
Like most of our regular
activities, whether eating,
drinking, smoking, working,
studying, writing, laughing and
talking with friends, the day-in
and day-out impact seems
negligible. But over the years,
we gain weight, noses become
bulbous, lungs become blackened,
bones become tired, knowledge
grows, books become published,
and deep friendships emerge.
Similarly with praying and going
to Mass, grace begets growth in
our relationships with God and
with one another.
Mass does make a positive impact
on married life. First, after
the priest greets the people at
Mass, he prays for God’s mercy,
saying: “Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy. Lord, have
mercy.” This regular admission
of our individual sins and the
need for mercy reminds all
church-goers including married
couples that consciously or
unconsciously we offend each
other, and we need to make up
with each other, at least on a
weekly basis, if not more often.
We hurt each other, especially
the ones whom we love most,
partly because we have the
highest expectations of them. If
we did not love someone, we
would hardly care what they did,
but if we love someone, we care
a great deal about them and what
their behaviors might be doing
to them. And in our genuine
care, we say things that hurt
the ones whom we love most. And
so, praying “Lord, have mercy,”
recognizes our sins, and our
need to be forgiven, and to
forgive. Second, church-goers
hear the Word of God.
We
hear lots of words outside of
church, good and bad, and none
of them is half as profound as
the Word of God which we hear in
church proclaimed to us, and
explained to us. In hearing the
Word of God, we draw from the
wisdom of four thousand years of
human and religious history.
Third, Mass-attendees, in the
state of grace, receive the
Eucharist, which Jesus
instituted at the Last Supper.
This sacrament embodies and
communicates God’s divine life.
Recipients of this Body and
Blood of Christ share
spiritually and really in God’s
divine life. Divine power
becomes present in the soul of
those receiving the sacrament.
As St. Paul says about the
accumulative impact of grace,
“It is not I who live, but
Christ who lives within me.”
(Gal. 2.20) Fourth, Mass is not
an individual activity, but a
communal activity. We see, hear,
speak with, and enjoy friends.
Friends support us in our values
and behaviors. Friends support
us in our religion.
Caveat. In fact, not all
marriages last. Ideally,
marriages ought to last, but, in
fact, not all will last. There
are situations of incorrigible
abuse, whether physically,
psychologically, emotionally,
economically, spiritually, and
probably other ways too, in
which more harm than good
occurs. If the attitudes and
activities that give rise to
these situations cannot be
changed to meet the standard of
the four fundamental aspects of
married life (for each other,
for children, for mature adults,
and forever), then, annulment
may be the only faith-filled and
reasonable response to those
situations. God generally does
not ask what is impossible for
us or injurious to us.
Read other writings by Father
Vincent
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