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Arkansas's Rules
  • Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
  • Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
  • They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
  • So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.
  • So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
  • If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
  • Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
  • The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  • We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
  • No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
  • When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats
  • You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.

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If you think taxing marriage will reduce child abuse, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you plan to pay for new programs with revenues from the oil and gas boom but hammer oil and gas companies with higher taxes and ridiculous regulations, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe illegal aliens should get a break on college tuition but decorated veterans should not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe it's OK to require a photo ID to buy beer or cigarettes but not to vote, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe businessmen and women are motivated by greed but labor union bosses are not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think making someone pay higher taxes is a "freeze," you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe trial lawyers want to sue for more money to help their clients, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think there's really a difference between a tax and a fee, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you really believe in governmental efficiency or bureaucratic flexibility, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe an unemployed trial lawyer is a bad thing, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think freedom of religion doesn't apply to churches, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe good education comes from relaxing academic standards but getting tough on soft drink sales, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think we should raise taxes on working families to hire more college professors, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you worry more about the cost of keeping criminals behind bars than the cost of putting them back on the streets, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think its wrong for government to legislate morality - except when it pays for that legislation with other people's money, you must be a Colorado Democrat.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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You know you're from Arkansas when... 
  • There are no men in church on the first day of deer season
  • There is only one Catholic church in your county.
  • Thanksgiving dinner includes "polk greens" and no one really knows what it is.
  • During the summer, you can run out of food and not go shopping for a week because everyone you know invited you to a "fish fry".
  • You regularly attend "fish fries".
  • Those "You might be a redneck jokes" apply to you or someone you know.
  • Everyone knows what chicken wire is.
  • You say words like "herebouts" as in "she must not be from herebouts".
  • You can experience all four seasons in the same week.
  • The cheerleaders win more awards than the football team.
  • It goes from 70 degrees to 45 in three hours.
  • After prom you wind up in one of two places, the bowling alley or IHOP.
  • You use use phrases like "wind up" to describe where you end up.
  • The most popular place to be after a football game is Wal-Mart (please bring cameras).
  • You say "simular" instead of "similar".
  • Everyone you know owns a pick-up truck.
  • A '65 Mustang is the equivalent to the Hope diamond.
  • NASCAR and home state college football are practiced religions.
  • Instead of discussing the finer points of the porche and ferrari, you hear shouting matches about who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy.
  • You either live on a farm or know someone who does.
  • The marching band is just as important as the football team. 
  • The band members are usually considered more cool than the football players.
  • You know at least 10 people who go by their middle name.
  • You think think Anit-semitism is a form of cement decay.
  • You know why America should be afraid of Huckabee becoming president.
  • You know how to spell "yawmpto" and what it means.
  • Every Latino is a "Mexican" regardless of where they are actually from.
  • You "bake" potatoes on the grill.
  • Grilling is not only a pastime, it's a sport, or a way of life, depending on what region you're in.
  • In the winter, you hate the rain, and in the summer, you forget what it is.
  • The tornado siren is your signal to go outside and look for a funnel.
  • Nobody says a word when someone wheres a chicken suit to school.
  • Hunting season is a valid reason to skip school.
  • You know what to fear more, a serial killer or a hillbilly.  (case and point, you don't go up into the mountains alone.....period)
  • If someone says they're going to take you to the "bottoms", you run the other way.  (for you northerners, this would be the equivalent of an Italian saying they're going to take you to the docks)
  • You don't go to the bottoms by yourself....period.
  • You know what snipe hunting is.
  • You know what frog gigging is.
  • You have gone "cow tipping".
  • You never insult your elders to their face until you've learned words that they don't know.
  • You know what cantankerous means.
  • You've had a "coniption".
  • You have more than one gun rack.
  • You have been to a "shot-gun" wedding. (this didn't necessarily mean the bride was pregnant)
  • AND....you know someone who's parents are related.

Submitted by Kellie and Kris, Van Buren, Arkansas
 

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Montana Dumb Laws
  • It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
  • It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
  • Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
  • In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
  • It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
  • Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
  • Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
  • Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.  Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
  • Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Where to Live After Retirement:

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

  • You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
  • You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  • You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
  • You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  • You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
  • The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

  • You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  • The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...

  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • You think Central Park is "nature."
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

  • You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  • Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • You have more than one recipe for moose.
  • Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

  • You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
  • "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
  • Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  • A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

  • You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

  • You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  • All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  • Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

I read with interest your recent, "where to live after retirement" ...

... and in particular "you can live in the Deep South where..." and was inspired to send you some of my observations of the South. By the way, although I currently live in Iowa, I was born, raised and have lived most of my life in South Carolina.

Thus, some observations from a southern expatriate:

  • Southern Baptists are the friendliest people in the world. They'll say "hey!" to anyone except neighbors they see in liquor stores.
  • Forget banning same sex marriage and making abortions illegal, the next President of the United States from the South will be that person who can turn Wal-Mart into a church so that it can open on Sunday mornings.
  • Sign that the South is truly progressing: Sons are now being named "Tripp" instead of "Junior".
  • The Southern irony: the unemployed southerners who proclaim, "The south shall rise again" i.e. to the pre-American Civil War status of economic prosperity for the few built upon oppression of the poor, are finally getting what they have been praying for.

Steve, of Iowa formerly of South Carolina
 

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Rules of Houston, H-Town, 3rd Coast, Bayou orĀ whatever you wanna call it.
  • You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee -pay, "not" San Phil-eep"(San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!
  • Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
  • All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610"... which has no beginning and no end.
  • The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."
  • The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3: 00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
  • Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
  • Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
  • All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown!" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City!"
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
  • All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
  • The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph...
  • The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
  • Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. IT'S LEGAL TO CARRY GUNS HERE!!!
  • If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
  • The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
  • If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
  • When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
  • If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
  • The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
  • You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
  • You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
  • Else-where, they are called frontage roads... Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop"

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
 

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You know you are an Okie if...
  • The first thing you do if you hear tornado sirens during the day is check your watch to see if it's noon.
  • You don't get worried unless the sky looks "green".
  • You use the word "tornado" as a verb.
  • You chuckle at all the facebook groups called "I survived the ___ tornado."
  • You might go indoors when there's a tornado, but you won't "seek shelter" for anything less than an F3.
  • You know what Doppler radar, Hook echo, wall cloud, and rain-wrapped all mean.
  • You've never exactly memorized the tornado precautions, but you've heard them enough times that you know them by heart anyway.
  • Watching the weather is entertaining. And red on the Doppler radar is exciting.
  • The phrase "Tornado on the ground, take your immediate tornado precautions" sends exciting shivers up your spine.
  • You've seen photos/videos of tornados and said, "Wow, that's a nice one!"
  • You can feel/smell tornado weather brewing a few hours before the storm actually begins.
  • There's an odd feeling as though you've misplaced something if you make it all the way to June without a tornado warning near you.
  • You think people that live in earthquake and/or hurricane prone areas are crazy.
  • You know what people are talking about when they mention the "May 3rd" tornado.
  • You watch the movie "Twister" just so you can point out all the inaccuracies in it.
  • You know your weathermen by their first names. i.e. Gary .
  • When you hear the tornado sirens go off, you go outside to watch the storm and take pictures.
  • Most of the tornado video footage comes from everyday people with camcorders instead of from actual news/weathermen.
  • You're sure there's a giant tornado magnet hidden somewhere in Moore . And that there are smaller ones distributed throughout trailer parks.
  • You know that the four seasons are actually: summer, late summer, winter (if you're lucky), and tornado.
  • You don't consider it windy until the windspeed is faster than 20mph.
  • You are highly entertained by people from outside tornado alley when there is a tornado watch. (Especially if you're the one who's visiting the other state.)
  • Your school has tornado drills. And you assumed that schools in every other state had them as well.
  • There's enough random stuff in your tornado shelter that you could live there for a year.
  • You stand under your carport or open your front door to watch hail and/or thunderstorms.
  • You know the difference between a basement, a cellar, and a storm shelter.
  • The weather is a completely acceptable subject for conversation, at any time, for any occasion.
  • Your local mall has "tornado shelter" signs posted.
  • It doesn't bother you the next day to find out that your area was under a tornado watch the night before and you had no idea. Unless, of course, it caused you to miss some interesting cloud formations.
  • Getting to "play" in the basement/cellar/storm shelter excites you or numbers among your favorite childhood memories.
  • You keep matches, candles, and candleholders in more than one place in your house.
  • Your town will never get hit by a tornado because you're between two rivers or because an old Indian legend says so.
  • You complain about severe weather reports that interrupt the TV show you're watching.
  • You can get together all your most important possessions in 2 minutes flat.
  • When tornado sirens woke you up in the middle of the night...you rolled over and went back to sleep.
  • You laughed at everything in this list, but you also respect a tornado's power. And you know that after it's over, clean-up and re-building has to begin.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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You know you're from Long Island if...
  • You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there.
  • When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't.
  • You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York.
  • You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
  • You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
  • You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
  • Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate." New Jersey sucks.
  • At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
  • Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
  • You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
  • You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island.
  • You know where the Commack Motor Inn is.
  • Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.
  • You can correctly pronounce places like
  • Ronkonkoma, Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa.
  • You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonalds and 36 7-11's.
  • You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."
  • You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
  • No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!
  • You can't understand why a diner would ever close.
  • You've had a seagull crap on your car.
  • You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville.
  • You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number 1 game among children 7-13.
  • You know WhiteCastle is terrible for you and the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave".
  • You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan.
  • You think that somehow, the Jets and giants still play in New York.
  • You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30.
  • You or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League.
  • Quick! Who's your county Executive? Don't know do you?!
  • You've never taken an MTA bus.
  • The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.
  • You don't associate Fire Islandwith gay men.
  • You know which parts of the godfather were filmed on Long Island.
  • You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it.
  • You miss wiffle ball and running through sprinklers.
  • You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoy watching it grow up.
  • Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from The NorthShore, or a cool girl from the SouthShore".
  • You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.
  • When people ask "where are you from?" you answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York.
  • You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
  • The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more Than 2 hours (without moving).
  • Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).
  • Regular gas - $3.29 and you still pay it!!!
  • You hate paying tolls.
  • You don't have to go far to see your family.
  • You remember Grumman.
  • You've gotten drunk on the bleachers of some high school.
  • You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!
  • You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good.
  • You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Ronkonkoma.
  • Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
  • You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent."
  • You went sledding in the sumps. You've partied on a golf course in the middle of the night.
  • You knew of Massapequabefore the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
  • You think going to Queens
  • was a hike.
  • The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea" you were Somewhere else and you laughed.
  • When you live somewhere else and are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights.
  • When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, you'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.
  • You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island.
  • When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...it becomes normal to you.
  • No word ends in an ER, just an AH.

Submitted by Jay, who, yes, if from Long Island!

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