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| Recent Quips from Late Night - 10/1/2008 "The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts)
with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher
"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno
"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien
"So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of
50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers
"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler
"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher
"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back,
relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel
"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - 9/26/2008 "I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you
all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno
"The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point
is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refuelling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists
[on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart
"For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno
"On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien
"Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart
"And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno
"This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien
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| Recent Quips From Late Night 9/17/2008 "McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to
save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house." -Bill Maher
"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?" -Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready." -David Letterman
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien
"As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam." -Jay Leno
"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to
pick up at a bar." -Bill Maher
There was a story going around that said Oprah doesn't want to have Sarah Palin on her show. Oprah claims there have been absolutely no discussions about having Palin on, but that she would love to after the campaign is over. Apparently, between 'Nate Berkus' Bathroom Makeovers' and 'The Best Jeans for Curvy Women,'
they're all booked up. They don't have a slot open. It has nothing to do with Obama." -Jimmy Kimmel
"John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go." -David Letterman
"Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care." -Jay Leno
"I'm sure the change that John McCain wants to bring is very different from the change George Bush wanted to bring [on screen: video montage of speeches from Bush in 2000 and McCain this year talking about various ways of changing Washington -- all of them mirror each other]. Things are really going to be different
now." -Jon Stewart
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| Recent Quips From Late Night - 9/3/2008 The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman
"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien
"As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman
"Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien
"As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno
"How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno
"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex
with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Recent Quips form Late Night - 8/20/2008
"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can
get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno
"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to
it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel
"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National
Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens
are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno
"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for
President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn?t know what he?s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I
love your chicken.'" --David Letterman
"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill
Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno
"In Beijing people are still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week -- this is a true story -- a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn?t
pollution; it?s mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips form Late Night - 8/15/2008 "Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be
some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every
speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien
"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks
great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman
"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you
want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno
"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'"
--Conan O'Brien
"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay
Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - 8/12/2008
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every
speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien
"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks
great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman
"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you
want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno
"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'"
--Conan O'Brien
"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay
Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - 7/9/2008 "Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now
campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various
functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman
"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to
Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy
a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman
"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as
committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the U.S. 'should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals']. Phooey.
When it comes to the war on terror, Bush is no Neville Chamberlain, no weak-kneed, panty-waist English appeaser. He's Wilt Chamberlain, dominating the paint, running the give-and-go, telling
the terrorists, no, not in my house!" --Jon Stewart
"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman
"I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well."
--Jimmy Kimmel
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - 7/2/2008 "Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked
Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said,
'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush
because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno
Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David
Letterman
"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass
destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're
talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno
"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'"
--Conan O'Brien
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Recent Quips From Late Night ... 6/27/2008 "Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San
Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman
"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing.
... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York -- listen to this -- that's his name. Yeah, he has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status, immigrant visas, to supermodels that want to come
here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American
mouths. So that's one thing." --Jay Leno
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. .... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up
book." --Conan O'Brien
"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others.
Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope. The irrational fear that behind the mild-mannered facade, Barack Obama is intent on enslaving the white race. It's true. Wake up,
white people." --Jon Stewart
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Recent Quips from late night -6/20/2008 "It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede... And, again,
I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno
"Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera.
Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble
finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman
"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision
makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien
"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today.
Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he
may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other
woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno
"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So
get there" --David Letterman
"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of
George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 73
"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary
offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno
"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They
will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I
think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman
"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to
be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one
room." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian."
--David Letterman
"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 72 "On
Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president. ... It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire
vote." --Amy Poehler
"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is
groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Barack Obama gave a speech in South Dakota. At the end of the speech, the crowd gave him a standing ovation. Yeah, very cool. Obama got the standing ovation not for his speech,
but for being the first black person in South Dakota." --Conan O'Brien
"To give you an idea of how low President Bush's approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was
in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn't have to attack him over here." --Jay Leno
"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy
Poehler
"Speaking of presidents, Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton is in a little trouble. He gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky. He was 90 minutes late. He showed up 90 minutes late.
Yeah, Clinton told the students, 'I'd explain why I'm late, but you're not quite old enough yet.'" --Conan O'Brien
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 71
"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know
there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman
"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left
'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien
"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill
said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno
"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just
won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running
out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called
'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien
"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In
fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno
"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way
too young for me.'" --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 70
"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission
Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay
Leno
"In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. That's right. Yeah, Mugabe said he got
this idea from Hillary Clinton. Apparently, it's a good idea." --Conan O'Brien
"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally
become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also
eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on You Tube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a
cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students.
However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 69
"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed
through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are
gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who
works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson
"And Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on
PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing." --Jay
Leno
"I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells 'Okay, who
touched the darkness control on the toaster?'" --David Letterman
"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this
Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Well, campaigning in Indiana today, Hillary Clinton, once again, up to her old tricks. She told the crowd that she's a lifelong Colts fan, and recalled that when she
was a little girl, her father taught her how to drive an Indy car. 'I remember racing around at the track.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah.
Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien
"And of course, the really good news for liberals, Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania! I remember when she used to be the big liberal. I guess things have changed. But
she did, come on, you've gotta give it up for Hillary. She won it, again. I know, it's pesky. She keeps winning. She won in Pennsylvania, and the next day, she raised 10 million dollars.
That's a lot of lolly. And her supporters said they would have donated that money sooner, but there was a purse at Nordstrom they just had to have." --Bill Maher
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 68
"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers.
Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher
"A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their
religion." --Jay Leno
"How about the presidential race? It's really interesting, isn't it? I mean usually, it's sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so
far, it's pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman
"Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck' Clinton, you know, she's backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She's backed off
that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and
pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it's true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me
hot.'" --David Letterman
"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think
President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and
out.'" --Jay Leno
"But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern."
--David Letterman
"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax
Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 67 "The
death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for
liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers
"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he
believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler
"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls
that, first place." --Jay Leno
"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan
O'Brien
"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm
beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher
"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary's campaign was facing financial trouble. When you're burning the
building down for the insurance money, that's not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six
children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno
"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested
in American Idol?" --Bill Maher
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| Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 66
"Hillary Clinton's senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire... As her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is
widely credited with catapulting Hillary from her virtual shoe-in to second place." --Jay Leno
"On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of
Montana." --Conan O'Brien
"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was
one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert
"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not -- will not -- accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one
has asked him." --Jay Leno
"John McCain's the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought
from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O'Brien
"He's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off."
--Jay Leno
"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas
stations." --Conan O'Brien
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