If you are female

• You feel relaxed at last - and the sphincters know it.
• You love sucking a milkshake up through a straw - as well as everything else.
• Your nicest anticipation is stretching out on the bed - alone
• Your grandchildren ring to see if you can baby-sit their mother.
• Appealing brochures describe 'de-luxe walking frames'
• You want to ask your husband something, but can't remember where you left him.
• There's more excitement to be had watching clouds go by than watching television.
• He still needs you. You can hear him calling from the bathroom.
• You wish the old bag that delivers the meals on wheels would stop making eyes at the old fool.
• A mobile phone is able to get around better than you can.
• The highlight of your year is the social worker telling you you're beautiful.
• You know the best invention was colour-coded pills.

If you are male

• Everything gets stiff except the bits that should
• The nicest anticipation is stretching out on the bed - alone
• All food is tough - except coffee
• Your grandchildren ring to see if you'll talk to mummy.
• Your best dance is done outside the bathroom door
• You still love walking, especially being brought back home by the police.
• You plan vacations by looking at the photos from previous trips
• If young women smile at you, you know you've forgotten to wipe the toothpaste off your mouth, or button your shirt, or put on your cardigan the right way round, or…
• You still love talking. Even telephone calls from India are fun.
• She still loves playing games. You know she's hiding somewhere.
• The young woman that delivers the meals on wheels is real pretty.
• The highlight of your year is the doctor saying he does not need to see you for two months

One day the priest disappeared. It was as if he had vanished into thin air because, search as they might, the townsfolk could find no trace of him. The following month, however, when the rotary club met, there he was as usual, sitting in his corner.

"But, Father," everyone cried, "where have you been?

"In prison," he calmly replied.

"In prison? For heaven's sake, you couldn't hurt a fly. What happened?"

"It's a long story," the priest replied, "but briefly, this is what happened. I bought myself a train ticket to the city and was waiting on the platform for the train when this stunningly beautiful girl appears on the arm of a policeman. She looks me over, turns to the cop, and says 'He did it.' And to tell you the truth, I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."

Every ten years, as summertime nears, an announcement arrives in the mail. A reunion is planned, it'll be really grand - Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met; we tried so hard to impress. We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars, and wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there. It was held at a fancy hotel. We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined, and everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first toachieve great fortune and fame. Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses and how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean, now weighed in at one-ninety-six. The jocks who were there had all lost their hair, and the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon; or poor little Jane, who's always been plain; she married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed" was serving ten years in the pen, while the one voted "least" now was a priest; just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys who seemed to have aged the least. Another was given to the grad who had driven the farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties. Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini; you never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether they impressed their classmates or not. The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal; by this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores; we ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans. Then most of us lay around in the shade, in our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear. We were definitely over the hill. Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed, and be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait; they've set the date; our fiftieth is coming, I'm told. It should be a ball, they've rented a hall at the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid; my pacemaker's been turned up on high. My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; and I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early light. It'll be lots of fun; but I just hope that there's one other person who can make it that night.

Author Unknown

• Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
• Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

• I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
• I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
• I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
• I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
• I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
• I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
• I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
• I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
• I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
• I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
• I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
• I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
• I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
• I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
• I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
• I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
• I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
• I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
• I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.........Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Please pass this on to everyone you know as soon as possible so we can get this conspiracy stopped!